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(+2)

Okay i absolutely loved this one thank you to the friend who sent me this, I had to take a day long break from it at the midpoint but it was completely worth it. I also have no idea how to use itch so ahah here we go, spoilers ahead obviously lol

The way bitekiosk describes the most intense and intimate scenes in the game, while deeply uncomfortable, still feels respectful; if anything, it feels more respectful than most modern CSA portrayals. With stigmatized topics like these, authors often feel the need to "shake their head so the audience knows this is wrong," so to speak; often by, as a friend noted, having children innately recognize what is happening to them is wrong despite lacking the experiential toolkit to do so. I can't possibly articulate to you, then, how valuable it is that bitekiosk fully takes C---'s perspective including her morality through even the most discomforting scenes in the VN, forcing you as the audience to recognize that C--- does not perceive this as wrong; she enjoys and wants more of what we understand to be sexual abuse. It's a uniquely distressing feeling where you feel almost like an uninvited voyeur foisting your horror and fear onto someone who is feeling neither of those things, defining her experience for her (even knowing that these acts were and are wrong to commit). That's one of the most powerful feelings in fiction, I think: not shock factor, but the conflict between your assessment of a situation and the person experiencing it.

I love the mundanity, for lack of a better term, in C---'s assessment of her experiences. The days are filled less with the apprehension we come to expect from these narratives and more with love for the people she knows to love. You get familiar with the two of them as you do with any story; the changes in text color as Rose and C--- switch between parts are helpful, but become almost unnecessary as you start catching onto shifts in their diction and behavior.

On the topic of parts, bitekiosk's portrayal of complex dissociative disorders is one of the most understanding I've seen. Most stories I've read engaging earnestly with CDDs tend to lose themselves in the weeds of a person's infinite internal complexity at the cost of pacing and coherency, all the while appealing to a "standard" experience of fragmentation with poor generalizability. Alternatively, the CDD becomes a poor weight for the morality actions of a person; either their traumatic past becomes an excuse for their actions, or it is irrelevant and they are what most portrayals of abusers can be reduced to: a hollow, malevolent actor. Bernadette makes neither of these mistakes. While it makes you more than aware that both Rose and C--- have parts, the division between identities becomes a more covert process easy to overlook from the perspective of other characters. You are forced to engage with Rose as a human being - even through the coerced prostitution, the bathtub sex scenes, and all the other instances where C---'s consent is out of the question. This is scary to most of us for obvious reasons: we take pains to separate ourselves from the people we see performing seemingly irredeemable acts, to assure ourselves we share no commonality with them. By forcing you to engage with the humanity of Rose and the real financial struggle she faces, you can see the line of causality leading to C---'s prostitution and see a glimpse of pragmatic, rational thinking, no matter how abhorrent the act itself; a rationality that, naturally, you share as an audience member. It's scary to understand how similar you are to the people that hurt you, but it's one of my favorite emotions fiction can coax out, and one that I find most applicable to stories like these. This humanity is acknowledged at the end, where C--- denies the opportunity to use both their own and Rose's CDD as a reason to place them into simple roles of abuser and hopeless victim. I can't put into words how much I love love love the aside at the end where C--- questions the reason and value of putting out the story of experiences like these to the world; what it really does; how it narrativizes experiences too complex to convey all the nuances of.  It's a question I've had to ask myself every time my past worms itself into something I write: is this a work worthy of carrying this weight? Have I taken something fundamental to my experience of the world and turned it trite? Personally, I think Bernadette succeeds at everything it sets out to do. It tells the story it aims to tell, and I come out understanding of the enormity of Rose's actions but nonetheless unable to hate her or any of her constituent parts. Thank you for making this.

I've not yet gotten to read the letters, but I'll be back to add my thoughts when I do!! Sorry if this was wordy or winding :,D

(+1)

Up front, no need to apologize for verbosity; I'm thrilled that something we wrote made you feel compelled to share your thoughts about it! Especially because like, a lot of what you said feels very validating and really helps to hear because there are parts of us that are still like not on board with this project whatsoever. I think what you wrote will maybe help them to understand that it has merit.

I wish we could claim perfect intentionality over how it turned out but I think some aspects simply resulted from trying to be honest with ourselves about our experiences and feelings and needs.

[spoilers below for events in the story + authorial intent]

We definitely wanted to humanize Rose (and I do regret not being able to talk more about her history though I already felt the main narrative was too long) because her actions were not the result of some inherent cruelty or wickedness but of being an isolated, overworked, wounded person. Yes, she did bad things, but she was a marginalized person capable of doing good who was outright failed by systems (governmental and family) that abandoned her completely. She had no one to turn to when struggling with raising C--- except, well, C---. And a child in that situation often doesn't know that it's not right for them to be placed in the position of therapist, of maid, of lover. Hell, sometimes the parent doesn't know that either.

And that leads to how the CSA was framed which, like. One of the books we read either just prior to the jam or in the early days of it was Susan Clancy's The Trauma Myth, wherein she argues that trauma is not the primary response children have to that type of experience, it's instead confusion. Now, I can't really vouch for her methodology or results, that's not any of our skillsets, but, well, it resonated with our experience and provided an explanation for why our feelings are less terror and more like, shame, self-loathing, disgust, violation, being irreparably stained. Because C---'s future is that she learns that it was wrong, but she knows that she liked it (and maybe still does!), she knows that she didn't revoke consent, she feels utterly complicit. And she has to grapple with all that, which I guess is kind of the larger shape of this work if you zoom the camera out.

As regards the depiction of CDDs... we really had no idea how that was going to turn out. Like, we certainly wanted to portray it respectfully and naturally, not as a plot device but as an elemental part of Rose's experience and eventually C---'s as well (whether or not she realizes it). And like, we could draw on our own experiences with dissociation and resultant identity fragmentation, and kind of how switching and internal dialogues tend to occur for us now. But we really have a very poor understanding of how and to what extent we experienced it at C---'s ages, and had to do some guesswork along that front. The same goes for Rose's real-world analogue; we knew she had DID (or I guess MPD as it was called at the time) since we were like eight, but what that meant, how she navigated that, what we could to understand and accommodate... what we managed to learn was through experience rather than through any sort of dialogue or explanation. I don't know to what extent she even had the language to make sense of it herself. Which, thinking about how lost we were before we had this like plural framework of self-understanding... that terrifies me. And I think I didn't want Rose to be in that position. She had it hard enough.

I really want to thank you again for your comment. It is validating as an artist and as a person, and I'm joyed to know just how you found it to be human, and it's always nice getting like precise feedback on what worked, and also it spurred me to think more about what we were going for and how we want to try to think about intentionality and executing on a vision going forward. Thank you. And thank you as well to your friend for sharing it. 💖💖💖