itch.io

Okay, so, to rephrase my feedback into something more actionable...

Your writing lacks purpose. Any kind of writing - be it for a book, a show, or a visual novel, - must be purposeful in what it's trying to achieve. Because you don't have an infinite budget.

And you probably just thought "Oh I have spent nothing so the budget is two sandwiches and a coffee", but... No. Your time is a part of your budget as well, you don't want to spend the rest of your life trying to bring one single story to a satisfying conclusion. And to make things worse, the reader's attention is a finite resource too.

So when you're writing a scene - you need to make sure you are not wasting your own time, and the time of the reader. To do that, you must designate the goals for the scene. And everything you write for that scene must pursue that goal. Even the banter.

There's absolutely no need to write characters just shooting the shit with each other, this is not real life, art must be more interesting than real life, especially when pretending to show it honestly. 

If two characters are talking - there has to be a purpose. If two characters are talking - one of them must have a goal and be the "attacker", making the other one "defend".

An easy example would be A asking B: "Hey, so how was your date?" - it instantly puts B on defense, trying to present himself well, trying to protect the image he had built up within this social circle. 

And that creates opportunities - C could ask B the same question in a more private setting and receive a more honest answer, achieving the goals of showing that B and C are good friends, showing B's motivation on several levels, etc, etc.

I hope this helps.