I read this piece originally on Rascal, but I'll never pass up an opportunity to read it again, I absolutely adore it. It's very well-timed too: I just came out at my workplace three days ago, something I never thought I'd be able to do when I flirted with the idea of transitioning almost two/three/five years ago.
I think in plenty of ways I've been lucky that I've had the ability to choose risk. My family is decidedly middle-class, and were willing to handle most everything that wasn't high school for me, so I could just focus on studying. But when I graduated high school as a valedictorian, the whole thing just felt so empty. In some ways I'm glad I actually got that far, because if I hadn't, maybe I'd still be chasing it. But I realised as soon as I had it that I'd never wanted it. It was definitely the safe option, but that safe option was motivated by awful, paralyzing fear. I was just confused that it hadn't fixed me, even though I had no idea how it was supposed to.
It's strange how much less scared I feel now, when objectively I have a lot more to be scared about. If I had to guess what it is, I'd say that risk-taking is a skill, one you can get better at. I could only have the ability to risk coming out at work because I had come out, shaking and terrified, to one of my closest friends years earlier, and that risk had gone okay. But I think what's surprised me most now is how proud I feel about my transition, much more than any "objective" accomplishments or awards in my life. I'm starting to make a life that can actually fit me, and unlike everything else in my life prior, it was something I chose to do, purely because I wanted to. I had help, thankfully, but I was the one who moved first.
I still have plenty further to go, but pieces like this remind me of how far I've come. Thank you so much for writing it.