I only have one suggestion.
Every single picture on this page is of a female superhero. When the game is booted, only women are shown. When you start a game, you are asked to name your character. The screen is black, and the default name is "Alex."
Alex is both a male and female name.
What makes you think that ANYBODY will assume that they are being asked to name a dude? Nobody will even see a dude until 10 minutes after they have to name one.
It might be a good idea to either pop the character model onto that black screen of naming hell, or at least change the default name to "Steve" (or something else that no woman has ever been called)
Other than that, there are numerous times when a sentence is in the present tense, but there are words in the past tense. I didn't screenshot them, but they are typically like "I didn't wanted that" rather than "I didn't want that."
The typos and stuff aren't awful. I'm a massive douche about the script in every porn game I play. And this one didn't make me want to smash my head into the wall. (That puts it on a very short list as far as I'm concerned.)
As to the pacing, that's harder to nail down. It doesn't seem logical that "alex" would be stopping for long winded conversations when he's trying to get to the scene of the Kaiju fight. But then again, I don't know where your story is going, or how important these characters will end up being. What I can read as a dull sentence might contain vital information hours down the road.
Finally, I say this to a lot of devs, and most only ignore me. But I will say it to you here:
Stories should NEVER be made by a committee. There is a reason that Shakespeare didn't let his Patreons vote on whether or not Romeo and Juliet got a happy ending. The reason is that most people are idiots, and when you ask a group of them for story advice, you end up with Mad-Libs instead of coherent thought.
If your team has an actual vision for this game, then tell EVERYONE else (including me) to fuck off, and stay true to that vision. You might not sell as many copies, but you might sell 1,000 times more. Either way, you will end up with a product that you can be more proud of in the end.
Itch is littered with the abandoned games of those devs that turned control over to the fools for just $5/month. It's a fools errand to chase their trends.