How many time did you wait? That is the start screen, if you wait for a long time it should open (i had this problem with other games, for some reason this type of games just take a very long time to load)
Of course, the only answer that is ever correct. The game isn't buggy or broken, I'm just stupid and impatient. I was over here thinking that the game somehow started at the very end, or that my progress from a previous update carried over and broke everything. Nope, just a loading screen, I guess it would have been nice for there to be at least some sort of indication of that fact though.