Interesting reflection/"theological ramble"! Thank you for sharing your story, I appreciated the candidness and honesty. While my story is wholly different than yours, I understand (probably to a much smaller degree) the feeling of being judged by others and not feeling like that judgement is always just. While this might not be the most comforting thing to say given the story you shared, Jesus does love you and is simply after your heart. I hope and pray that you continue to lean into Him on your spiritual journey.