itch.io

Sure! Fair warning, I'm no expert, so I may be mistaken in some instances or miss something.

Random apparent typos/mistakes: 

• "Ni'lak blinked clicked his heads-up display..." (blink-clicked?)
• "Don't miss, tin man." (In this case, I believe Tin Man should be capitalized, as it's taking the place of a proper noun)

There are a few instances when "it's" (it is) is used instead of "its" (possessive form):

• "...Atun Station's orbital comms relay from it's tiny DAO security detail..."
• "...until the broadcast window of it's local comm array opened..."

A comma should be used with "and" when it is joining two independent clauses, not an independent to a dependent. It is used with "and" when linking an independent to a dependent clause in several sentences:

• "...they had fallen on hard times, and were looking for any way to rebuild prestige."
• "The dynasty would pin them down, and maul them with heavy weaponry."
• "...down the riverbed, and the large metal pipeline that ran down it's length." (also "it's" vs "its")
• "Ni'lak grinned and his mech's hand tapped it's chest mockingly." (Missing a comma here. Also it's/its)
• "...from Ni'lak's stealth field, and slammed into the pipeline."

I hope this is helpful.