Characters/Bytes used
1019

Source Code
function z(x,y,w,h,s)for b=0,w*h-1 do
pset(x+b%w,y+b/w,((ord(s,b/8+1)&(1<<b%8))>>b%8)*7)end
color(0)end
function w()
while(btn()==0)flip()
while(btn()!=0)flip()
cls(7)end
poke(24364,3)::_::cls(0)?"\^t\^w\#7\f0xkcd",16,20
?"\f7press x",18,50
w()z(20,20,16,22,"◝◜◝ョ○◝◝ネかツOツき]おm\\のセりクャんャ◝ャ◝ャ◝ャ◝ャ◝ャ◝レ◝ロ◝モ○モ○ヤ")?"stand back",12,12
?"I\^x2'\^x4M GOING TO TRY\n\|j science",1,44
w()z(8,26,16,23,"ᶠ◝o◜ワ◜ワョレョラョモ◜.◝🅾️◝゛◜ツゆツツツニツ◝え◝}らョトョにョにョo¹`レッヨヲ")z(38,25,8,24,"ニツゆゆテテメリワネクコふふvvラミミツツやゆゆ")?"MAKE ME A\nSANDWICH",1,0
?"WHAT? MAKE\nIT YOURSELF",20,12
?"SUDO MAKE ME\nA SANDWICH",1,50
?"OKAY",48,58
w()z(28,28,32,25,"?ュ◝ユトン○モヤャsトヤょuトトつzヤト]ョモよゆ◜レ゜\\ョン♥た:ナみれˇえおんょ}スネん。あリ♥]ち◝かZj◝○[t◝○'u◝○き ュよ◆ヨャト◆ンョよか¹◜○█_◝◝ッᶠ◝◝ヲgュ?ヌフュ?フ")?"HEY! GET BACK\nTO WORK",1,0
?"MY CODE'S\nCOMPILING",26,12
?"OH. CARRY ON.",1,56
w()z(20,40,40,23,"○ヲ◝◝ニ?ッん◝メ?ッめ◝テ?ッ}◝テ?ッ}◝テ?ャ}◝テ?ャや◝ツ?ャみ◝ミ?ャれ◝フ○む_゛ナ\0@Fョヤ\0らYョエ◜ヤ_ョに◜ヤ_ョに◜ヤ@ョo◜o@◜ヤ◜に゛◝フ◜にお◝シ◜にら◝タ◜にレ◝め◜ヤヨ◝や◜ヤナ◝}\0ナノ◝}")?"WEIRD. MY\nCODE CRASHES\nWHEN GIVEN\nPRE-1970 DATES",1,0
?"EPOCH FAIL!",21,28
w()goto _

Link to Commented Source Code
https://gist.github.com/mhungerford/5c7c36b5b476ba86bc3f85f306684541