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A jam submission

Sun HavenView project page

Submitted by cmartins — 30 minutes, 19 seconds before the deadline
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Thanks so much for this. I really enjoyed reading it. The visual design is gorgeous. 

What a cool setting too. I like the image of walking the chain from one Moon Rock to the next … and the various Triggers and Scene Starters. For a five-page TTRPG it is bursting with ideas.

Fwiw, here is some feedback. It is mostly very minor stuff to do with word choice …

“The Lore is abnormal but casually drafted with a lot of blanks for you to fill.”

I don’t quite understand why the Lore is “abnormal”? Maybe you could go for something like … "The Lore contains a lot of negative space for you to fill in" or "The Lore is casual and flexible, with the expectation that you'll adapt it" or "The Lore is to inspire you, and contains a lot of blanks for you to fill"! 

“Choose and discuss the Shift”

Consider “Choose one or more causes and discuss the Shift”?

“Climate change”

Climate change is happening already, so consider “Extreme climate change” or “Climate change cascades”?

“Before diving into the havens, advert a Dystopian trait:”

I think the word “select” would be better than “advert”?

“In fact, some Moon Rocks were never stepped by other people than Skyfolk.”

Should be > “In fact, some Moon Rocks have never been stepped on by people other than Skyfolk.”

“each Haven has it’s own identity”

> “each Haven has its own identity” (i.e. remove apostrophe)

“After your path came across, they disappear for good.”

> “After your paths cross, they disappear for good.”

“Aerostate” > should this be “aerostat”?

“what system did you hacked without consent?”

> “what system did you hack without consent?”

“how does the aerostate floats?”

> “how does the aerostat float?”

Thanks so much for sharing!


OMG! Thank you for taking the time to read my game.
I really appreciate for pointing out those errors. I'm not a native speaker, so your input means a lot to me. 
I'll make sure that your suggestions will feature in the next version of the game.
You're awesome!