Well at least it's somewhere around late April since the moment I decided to walk into the game development journey.

Before I start a long speech about my time during these past 10 years, I wanted to announce that from now on I'll work on a much smaller game project than the one I worked!

Don't worry, I'm using everything that I'd been learning so far during the previous project.

The thing is I'd been chatting with ChatGPT since yesterday, and during the process I found that the previous project was too big of a scope which would required me to work for several years.

But my objective is to learn the entire game publishing process from pre-production to post-publish.

Therefore I used ChatGPT to help me sketched up some landscape of the game that would be ideally finished within a month. At first I put 6 months, then 3 months. Yeah,  the last one was a month.

Then I'm considering many different things and look at what I made so far for the previous project. Well it's not too late to rescope the game and decided on the new project since I'd been work/study for about 2 months. Not to mention that there were barely progress. If you're not believe, you can check out here the link will open in new tab according to the setting. Also it's on itch, so it's not like you're going somewhere else.

Well since there are so many things I have to study in order to understand the process properly, I have to find the project which could be done within the shortest acceptable period of time.

Of course I won't force myself to finish within a month or something, but ideally I'd try to finish within a month in a healthy manner. I learnt my lesson after the past 10 years of course!

For the detail of the new project, let's not discuss it yet because I just decided today.

****

Now let's start the anniversary post. It's been 10 years since I dip into the game development journey.

In 2014, I was a total failured of the society. I was struggle between quitting the uni and go to hell. Right the conclusion was for me to dropped for a semester, so that I could take a proper rest.

At some point I whimsically decided that I'll make my own games.

So I talked to all my friends and tried to find some inspirations and kinda advices, but as you might've thought, all my friends back then were all NEETs.

So the result was rather stupid and people lost faith in me really quick because I didn't have a proper result to show after talked so much about it.

We grew apart afterward.

At some point there were a game developer pack on humble which included a tiny game engine which allowed me to develop a small web or mobile game. I was a pepeg back then and invited my close friend to bought the engine and he just went radio silent after that conversation.

Well I knew he got his own problems and I was also a pepeg that disappointed in the stupid engine that I wasted $1 to buy.

At least it taught me about the basic of videogames. I know it's just a simple level of fruit basket game, but hey that's good enough right ? even better than making Mario clone of level 1-1...nah I shouldn't say better because it's not the right word. I think the exact word I wanted to use is "it's more comprehensive".

I also talked with another close friend that also wanted to make videogames and we kinda have similar taste. But since I was a failured, do you think I could have a capable friend ? Well those capable people don't want to associate with me lol.

So back then we decided to use Unreal Engine 4 since it's just went for free. But what happened to that dream? Ah....we never talk about our progress and ended up wasted time gaming all night every night like Mr.Stud

Even before this, since 2011 I also downloaded UDK or the free version of unreal engine 3. But I was in total chaos back then and didn't realize that I wanted to make videogames. Well whatever.

Now what ?

Well I spent time researching for game engines. I even tried to use blender game engine but as you'd have thought, I was a pepeg and couldn't make anything other than WASD to move the stupid cube.

I don't know where did I get such ambitious idea. I tried to make the entire universe of my own creations, like how Disney made various animations.

So without prior knowledges about game development, I wasted my time on designing something that would never seen the daylight.

But there was one thing that I did which was the most productive and would never regret.

It's to rent a book "Game Design Theory" and spent an entire week tried to finish it despite the book was just a small one. But considering that I was a pepeg that never read properly, that was the first time I spent my every ounce of my soul energy to finish the book and absorbed the knowledges.

It's completely changed my perspective about game designing. From that point onward I started calling myself a game designer.

I'm not sure when, but there was a time that I spent an entire evening studied about "Game Theory" which is different from "Game Design Theory". It's not what I expected because it's involved so much math stuffs, and as you already guess...I was a pepeg!

Still I clench my teeth and managed to understood enough about "Game Theory" and made a presentation. I even forgot to breath properly during the presentation and nearly fainted.

Also it's thanks to my sworn brother whom helped me to understood the "Game Theory". He was a bit smarter than me back then. Though I'd say I'm more of the intellectual type, but before the dedication on gamedev journey, I was never understood why we have to study.

The new semester came, I enrolled on the basic game development course...or something along that line. The professor was a d**chebag that refused to help me properly.  I mean at that point the level of my stress was over the top and I kinda lost myself enough so I couldn't think properly. It's my false, but it's also the duty of adults to help children under their responsibilities right? Being professor is also something that you have to notice that some students may not be alright and might lack the ability to finish the course. The right thing is to freaking help me see the objective or at least guide me to making the decision if I should continued the course or drop. Nah, this guy just went on and blabbling from the unity official document and never put any effort into teaching. Heck he didn't even know how to use all those functions properly. How did he become a professor anyway?  Then what? Because my game suck he gave me F

At that point I already lost ability to communicate with the fellow classmate and they refused to team up with me. So I had to work alone. But this stupid professor didn't try to understand and blamed me for being a pepeg...well I hate this fk for eternity.

Yeah, I was on suicidal thought during 2015...I was wondering where was the memories in that year go.

Oh right, during the course, I used game maker studio 1. It was free and well I should talk a bit more about gamedev stuffs than the life drama.

So I watched YT tutorials on this and that, not just specific person so I couldn't remember their names. 

Well...I made a stupid Mario level without a pit or tunnel. Just some boxes to jump over and find a key then find the door to finish the level.

The thing is, I finished everything other than the player character. So my friends back then helped me both design and animation...not just that, one of them even helped me code the player controller despite never touch coding before. I guess he just followed the tutorial and made it for me.

But I was full of stress...I couldn't think properly. If the common knowledge backthen similar to right now, people would already saw how much I had to put up and even escort me to the psychiatrist. We're that close alright? But sadly, the depression wasn't as common as right now. People perceived depression as something that hard to describe and stress as something that hard to understand. Even myself before then didn't understand what is stress despite I had a mental breakdown when I was 14 because I had too much stress.

I got F and I dropped another semester.

Well I had suicidal thoughts and even tried to find a job. Everything went downhill during 2015.

I think I dropped for the entire yeara...right it's 2 semesters.

Yeah right, at some point I joined Gamedev Underground(GDU) by Tim Ruswick. I think it's around late 2015 or mid 2016...can't remember. I didn't open discord for nearly a year.

Well the memories went heywired and I need to skip this period a bit.

So I changed to Unity because my ex invited me to. At first I was thinking about unreal 4...right I think this is the actual period that I talked with my close friend about unreal.

There were a lot of conversations and stuffs. I tried to study properly, watched tutorials, even bought courses and studied them. I was still a pepeg.

I couldn't code, even though I tried to code everyday. I tried to study and when I look at C# I lost interest. Like serious lost. But I still use C# in unity to develop several stupid games that I wouldn't call them a game.

Well let's say they're like foundational systems.

I made folder strucutre and script inheritance without actually implement them. It's like I tried to design the worldbuilding through managing script folders.

I lacked the foundational knowledges of programming 101. So I don't know when but I tried to study in the free course in code.org

I also studied CS50 or something...apparently I already studied about CS50 since I was first year in middle school.

That's right, I was a pepeg so I couldn't remember what I even studied before.

Not just those, even something like programming 101 which was something that I had to use everyday. I couldn't even recall them during that period.

But somehow they ingrained into my instinct. I could innately understood pseudo code because I studied them before and had intense experiences with experimental programming. They're not even a proper function. Like virtual functions.

Yeah, at some point I took mind numbing med from psychiatrist because I couldn't hold anymore. I lost myself like crazy. I mean the cthulhu level of insanity was within my head. Then I quitted the med myself despite the disagreement from the psychiatrist.

I'm not sure when but maybe during 2017, I spent time watching Tim Ruswick stream every now and then while working on my own game project in the morning.

I like the vibe when there were game jams. I like the brainstorming vibe.

Now I understand why I don't have anything to show...I spent time doing nothing at all. There was no progressive aspect of it in the development point of view.

Now I realized that most of the time I spent on sketching random stuffs or writing something that maybe either plans or synopsis of stories.

I tried to work on personal project. They're too big. I usually just joking around and said that it's MMO project that I abandonned or something.

The truth though, they're not MMO project. Not even remotely MMO. They're just plans to make a proper singleplayer game.

I mean I already acknowledge the immensity of making MMO since the beginning, but why did I struggle so much?

It's overscoping!

OVERSCOPING!!!

That's right, just like my previous project which at first it could even sliced into the freaking TRILOGY!

After I made it into one...it's still freaking TOO BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG

Now imagine that even though I'm a freaking veteran with a bunch of experiences and understanding in game development, I still ended up overscoping my project over and over again.

How big was it in the past that made me impossible to have a proper running prototype?

Well again, it's actually not overscoping. I'm sorry that I made something that would be misconception.

IT'S THE SKILL ISSUE!!!!!

That's right, I didn't study unity properly. Not to mention I didn't understand the overall production pipeline of game development because I blamed that professor.

Well let's be serious here. Any one of you ever think about learning game development pipeline as the first thing? No?

SADLY

The first thing you're supposed to study is the freaking development pipeline!

It's not about choosing the GAME ENGINE that you wanted to use.

BTW I stopped considering GAME ENGINE as game engine. I'm thinking of them as framework to develop my own game engine.

Now let's talk about the period before I quit unity. It's the last effort of myself tried to use unity.

I joined a discord group of someone in my generation that he seems to considered me as his rival. Though I never care about him or anyone. I mean he's someone that I'd never consider as rival, he's not worthy of being one.

Well let's not attack people, I already spent the entire drum on my gatling.

That guy invited me to talk about game development along with his close friend. Well at the end it was me and his close friend that talked with each others about it and that guy just acted like he's the one that "allowed" that to happen. He acted like he's the owner of the company or something. I don't know how to describe, but I'm sure you'd hate this kind of people.

So the thing is, there were a few projects that I made using unity by the community event which that guy was the one whom started it. But at the end, only me and the other person made the game.

We did it 3 times I think. But when me and the other guy talked to that guy about why he never join this event. He said that he tried to help us.

Dude...are you acting like our benefactor now?

Afterward we had an arguement about how he treated his close friend because I spent the time with his close friend and realized how toxic he was.

The rules of those events were

- Each person choose a free asset in the unity store

- Time limit was 1 hours

- Everyone can only use the assets of the chosen packs

So I made some games during the short amount of time.

Even that point, I was so minimal that even that guy said it's too minimal. Well I was afraid that I couldn't finish, so that's reasonable right? I only had around 10 minutes left before deadline.

For some people they might think that I'd have a lot more time to develop. Well did you consider the time it'd take to packaging and upload on itch? 

Well anyway, it's a solid even if we adjusting the rules a bit like only have 2 selected packs or something.

****

Now this is the crucial moment of my life as to why I considered to use unreal instead of unity.

The last project I made in unity was when I attempted to make custom AI...without using navmesh agent the AI would be so stupid that it's impossible to develop.

I was sadge after that sad laugh to myself when the stupid AI kicked the box which was supposed to be the wall and sent it fly away to the end of the galaxy...

Then thanks to Gamedev.tv gamejam. I decided to give unreal a chance.

btw HERE is the game that I made for the jam. Though I already deleted the client because it took 4GB space on my GDrive. Not to mention back then the rules was to also upload the project folder which was nearly 7GB.

I'm sorry that you couldn't time travel with me to celebrate the anniversary. The project also deleted since long ago because I need spaces to continued my gamedev journey.

The project was bad. It's buggy and I even forgot to remove the debug objects from the scene before I published. I was so burnout that I didn't get a chance to watch some guy livestream playing these games including mine. I watched later on and he said he don't like my grammar. I don't know what's wrong with how I wrote the story. Well I'm not a native so if you could somewhat understood my intention then it's enough.

I used the FPS template and integrate with the unreal guy. I heard they called him "Manny" or something.

Yeah, basically I wasted quite sometime to make the guy hold the gun and shoot using premade animation from the marketplace which is free.

I didn't understand so many aspects within unreal. The learning curve is waaaay too much for someone to start.

Not to mention the innate damage system wasn't enable and I didn't know. So it made the damaging system inconsistent and I didn't understand why it's impossible to make it work. Well actually you have to untick the "invulnerable" or something on character blueprint.

Anyway, I decided to just make my own damage system via blueprint interface. So it's under my control and I'm less likely to forget about enabling the system.

So why did I change?

Well first thing is I wanted to have a new start in life and everything.

Secondly, I love behavrior tree system. It's the best innovation that I wouldn't look at unity again.

Third, the potential. In unity, the best I would be able to make would be a stupidly simple game within the next 10 years for the minimum.

But in unreal, I could see myself making the AAA game by myself.

That's right, the technology allowed me to use my creative side more than I could ever imagine when I was still using unity.

When I saw people advocating for using C++ to code your game. Just walk away, let them yell.

If you're an artist like myself, you wouldn't waste your time to optimize your game which could have performance gain of 0.001% when using C++

That's right, I'm not planning to make a game that would have something that would required that level of optimization.

Know thyself. You're trying to express yourselves through videogames. Why restricting yourselves with the struggle of programming?

With blueprint visual scripting, you're able to just understood pseudocode in order to develop your own systems. Why wasting 20 years to learn code? Why bother thinking about syntax and worry if you put parentesis in the wrong place?

Just let those people wasting their time. I mean it's thanks to them that we have better systems. But that doesn't mean you must try to change people's mind to use C++ to develop their games!

I told people if you're making small games, the performance diff would be negligible. You're not making MMORPG game where thousands of characters poop out their VFX at the same time.

Also if you read my previous post that I made a mistake in not using hardcode for the prototype.

That's right, it's something that you must accept.

In order to make a finished game, sometimes you need to hardcode everything and use constant where possible. So that you don't have to work on the backend system for those dynamic variables.

HERE is my game that I joined GDTV jam 2022

I'll be honest, I couldn't remember what kind of game I made this time. I was so messy in my head and couldn't think clearly. Probably because I didn't sleep much and worked too hard. BTW I was burnout quite a lot during thes past 3 years because I worked too hard. But I learnt much more than the time I spent early on.

In my defense, I tried my best. But I had to deal with uni stuffs and back then I didn't have the proper mindset for studying. It's even worse because I didn't get the chance to learn about game development workflow because I just learnt about it recently.

I wrote my first proper novel during October 2022

So it's the result of me burnout from trying too hard working in my game project.

I think around that time, I reached the peak for the relationship problems. I started to enjoy solitude and apparently the novel was much more fun than stuffs I read before then. Even now I'd say it's still more fun than many other novels I read so far. But it's the only novel that I never publish. I feels like it'd exposed my hidden desires to the world. Well more importantly the story got too much plotholes and I couldn't continued until the end, so I had to stop and it's better to not publish.

Afterward I published a few books on kindle amazon. They're much worse than the first novel I wrote, but I published them anyway to learn about publishing process.

Maybe this is the inspiration I got to make the decision of studying game development process for real.

Right... HERE is the 2023 GDTV jam

The initial plan wasn't this goofy game tbh. But at you migh've guess now, I fucked up and the plan failed. So I had to made the rush game and submit.

Well at least they're goofy y'know?

But would I make it a proper game? Nope. I don't have any idea of how should I make it the proper game. I'm being serious here.

The game was the result of me panicking and had to make something for submission.

But hey I learnt a lot eh?

During 2023 I tried many things and well at you can see it's a bunch of failures. My life full of failures.

When i realized, I'm already 31 and this year I'll be 32.

People I knew are all having their own life and future. Some already have children. Look at myself sit in my bedroom at my grandma's house. Not to mention I never have a formal job before. Though I finished some quick jobs here and there when I was in uni but they're not something that I could bring up and brag to people because they're another failures.

I'll have my game on steam before I hit 32.

I'm freaking serious.

Well there is more urgent thing that I must do. Exercise. I'm a fatty and my health declined so much since I hit 30.

The reason I'm not exercise...well air pollution during early year is one thing that I can't exercise. I don't want to be bedridden again.

I used to be someone much stronger than now, though I was heavier but my stomach wasn't this big back then. I'm serious, my body was much more fit even though I was heavier than right now.

My body fucked up during 2020 and got bedridden.

Oh I forgot to mention that in 2018, I had a chance to work in a group of randos to make a game. But I ditched them because I didn't trust them enough. There is a more detail version in my previous blog posts...I couldn't remember which one.

Dude I wish I have the energy of when I was in 2019. Though I was depressed af before April, but my energy of ready to embark on the new life was there. I was so ready to start new life and the COVID hit the world...fuck.

Yeah 2020 was the year I spent as a sick person. That's maybe why 2021 was the dramatic changing point of my life. I changed my perspective after I nearly died.

There was a time when I joined the conversation in discord, one guy said "I thought you're dead" ....well you're right though I wanted to answer with "me too" but managed to stop.

Maybe if I open discord again, some folks would say the same thing to me. I'd been off SNS for quite sometime now.

I mean people don't put food on my table, why do I care about what kind of slander they have to yell at you right?

Just focusing on myself, trying to finish my game, is already hard enough.

Here folks, 10 years of a person full of failures.

BTW some folks that started the same time as me already published several games while so many of them already given up. So if you're still here and decided to continued then don't give up. I too won't give up.