Welp. I realize I’ve taken so long on this devlog that it's the end of January instead of me publishing it at the end of December/beginning of January. There’s several reasons why it took so long, most of it being that I was super busy and resting from stuff happening in December, and being busy in January for an entirely different reason, which you’ll see when I go into the retrospectives for December and January. I’ll also include 2023’s retrospective, and thinking about what to do in 2024 dev and creative wise.
December has always been the busiest month for me and 2023 was no exception. Thanks to family and personal matters cropping up alongside the usual Holiday Time Eaters Like Eating With My Family, I was not able to do any sort of dev aside from doing the updates I said I'd do from the previous devlog. I have most of the QoL update code done, it's just implementing them on all my games and also making Android ports for all my games too! I'd rather get it all done in one update than do multiple updates because I actually hate the update process lmao. Like I'm willing to do it because the changes are absolutely needed for QoL and better accessibility, but I don't know how other devs stand to keep updating their games because man it's tiring lmao
Tis a shame I had absolutely no time to work on Terrible Time during the season, but at least I got the script of Secret Project done! Hopefully I can get Secret Project published in 2024 and Terrible Time's demo out for next winter, but we shall see.
After all the festivities of the season and my personal life calmed down, I essentially fell over and took a nap.
Well okay no, it’s more like I did a lot of cleaning and organizing in my home, which is a thing I’ve been wanting to do for the longest time. It just feels like a nap because I haven’t really created much or been online and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.
Well okay no, I did create a lot because I unearthed all my analogue art supplies that I haven’t seen since 2019 and started using them again so I can get the feel for using them! Holy shit! Five years since I’ve touched my oils and watercolors! It’s like being hugged while touch starved only I’m starving for the touch of non-digital art after having to stick with digital for a while.
While doing all this cleaning and organizing and unearthing and analogue painting, I’ve also been doing a lot of thinking about 2023 and what I want to do for 2024. Which leads me to…
tl;dr it kinda stunk lol
It's pretty standard to look back and see what you accomplished in the previous year and set goals for the upcoming year. And it feels like I didn't do much since I don't really have much art to show off! The art year retrospectives you tend to see on socials admittedly stung to see because I haven't been able to do art on a monthly basis, but I also have to reconcile with the fact that I've had pretty bad burnout I never knew I've been holding onto until I actually tried and floundered.
Just to be absolutely real with you for a moment: my day job was doing graphic design in a retail setting and, well, having your boss say you're not doing enough to warrant a raise and having customers yell at you doesn't help with the creative self-confidence much. I've been able to distance myself from the dayjob for my mental health’s sake, especially after I had an emotional breakdown partway through the year about my personal career goals. After the breakdown and taking some time off, I felt like I was floundering because besides art for games, I couldn't draw or design anything for myself. That burnout and impostor syndrome was a big reason why I haven't been able to touch the artbooks or draw backgrounds because I did not realize I was having a rough go about my self confidence in my art and design skills. It also sucks because the lack of art means the lack of an updated portfolio, which means more self loathing at not making art, which kicks me into this vicious cycle where nothing gets done, I'm incredibly unhappy, and the burnout is either in stasis or worse, and the impostor syndrome feels like it’s winning.
While I wasn't able to do much in December and January, I had been thinking long and hard about careers and what I want to make a living in. Because lmao dayjob essentially kicked the shit out of my confidence and I do not ever want to go back to that, but unfortunately I have loans to pay so I have to keep dayjob until something better.
I know when I first had my emotional breakdown in summer, I want to get back into art. I want to make a living with my art. I know it takes a while to build up momentum, but even when recovering and even when I could not physically make anything because the burnout was so bad, I know I'm at my happiest when I'm making something because the alternative sucks so much.
I'm tired of the self loathing. I'm tired of being undervalued when I truly have skill. I just want to make a living making things that makes me happy to make things. Apparently that's a lot to ask for, but I want to actively work towards that in 2024 regardless of how difficult it will be.
At the very least, if I wasn't drawing I was doing a lot of coding! I was able to release the Save/Load code overhaul! And do the first round of GUI overhaul updates to my smaller games! And make the randomized sprite outfit code (as seen in The Perfect Portrait) work! And coded my own portfolio website! And currently doing a second round of GUI updates! Like dang that's a lot of coding I didn't realize I did.
And I even then, I did some drawing! I painted the background in HusbandoGoddess’ yuri VN Intoxicating. I also got some writing, planning, and editing done too, especially for Secret Project! So hey, perhaps it's nothing I can really show like art but I got things done! Funny how your brain tricks you into thinking you didn’t really do much of anything.
In retrospect, it's no wonder the two games I was able to publish in 2023 were for the Only One of Any Asset jams and why they’re Like That. The Perfect Portrait was me wanting to club AIGen art and the people who use those programs to undercut artists, and Making a Monster was how self confidence affects your work and how the work affects the artist. Still things I’m carrying in my thoughts right now as I’m painting watercolors more.
I super appreciate everyone that gave my games kind comments and good ratings, and hey, The Perfect Portrait also came out in an 41st issue of Indiepocalypse, which I'm still honored about! Even in the mires of terrible art burnout, the warm reception to my small games and my art in them really helps blow away the clouds of doubt in myself as an artist and dev.
When I wrote all this down it seemed like Im aiming for too much but let’s be real, I’ve been aiming for too low for a while. Even if I don’t get all of my prospects focused on, I’ll at least get one focused on and that’s better than none!
Now that I have a portfolio site up, I really want to work on adding pieces in there especially since I want to be rid of my dayjob and want to find work. I also have a space to do some analogue painting, and I know I'm rusty from not using them in literal years so I also want to do some studies. I’d also like to try a hand at making merch, like stickers or charms. I also find I really like setting some stuff up in 3d to help out with positioning and composition, so I'd like to learn more 3d. Basically a whole bunch of studying and learning~!
Because of this focus, I will not be making free background art every month this year. Not gonna lie, I noticed doing bg art every month and at the schedule I used to have stressed me out to the point that I only leaned toward stuff that didn't make me explore outside my comfort zone. I need to get out of that comfort zone, and I want to try not having a hard deadline so I can do more detailed work.
Doesn't mean I'm gonna stop releasing free to use assets! I have some GUI and some sprites from projects that never could get off the ground, plus some studies I'm thinking of releasing as creative commons assets. They're just not going to be made on a consistently monthly basis since I need to take some time to get my bearings.
I know I've been teasing Secret Project for a bit and I do hope I can get it published by the end of 2024, but before I even get to market it I will update all my games, port them to Android mobile devices, and also finish the artbooks like I said I would. “Finish your ding dang projects before publishing a new one!” is not going to be a steadfast rule for all new games this year because I do have other small projects I want to finish, alongside stuff I want to publish for game jams. So it may be a long time before I get to tease that Secret Project again lol.
With me focusing on making a living off my art, this does mean that any large game I create will cost money. There will be free demos and this won't apply for every single game I create (especially for games made for game jams like Only One of Any Asset and also other game jams I decide to enter) and when the game is announced I will also announce whether it's paid or not.
I find that helping on other people’s projects really motivates me to draw more, so hopefully I can join more teams this year! I’m going to be focusing on updates for Pillars on Poppy Hills and Wolf’s Wool’s anniversaries, so I won’t be available quite yet.
Like I know going from December to January isn’t going to make things magically go my way and I know I have to work on it instead of rely on hope and dreaming, and maybe being self employed and making a living on your own art isn’t a good way to go, but look man I’ve been fucking depressed for a good portion of 2023. I want to turn things around because shit sucks, or at least try.
If you like what I do, consider following or donating to my ko-fi! I’m thinking of opening a Patreon as well, so be on the lookout for that. My games and assets are Pay What You Want as well, with some assets having bonuses at different prices, if you so desire~!
I’d like to give a big huge thank you to everyone that has supported my work by leaving kind comments and giving my games 5 stars. I read every single one of them and I really appreciate them all and consider all the feedback too!
A big thank you to the people who read my monthly devlogs, even if I didn’t have much to say in some months. I kinda can’t believe I’ve been pretty consistently posting them each month (well, with the exception of this month lmao), since my biggest issue with publishing them in the first place was me thinking nobody reads them, especially since I can’t exactly be productive Every Month. But I see some people do read them, and hey. Thank you.
Here’s to a better year full of me going feral on my own art. :D
~Knickknack PJ
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