Hello everyone! With the year wrapped up in most of the world and less than a hour left on the clock for me, finally decided to sit down and write a reflection of sorts.

When I think about 2023, it really doesn’t feel like its (almost) over (my mind is still in summer). The first words that I want to use to describe it is “transitional” and muted browns (and maybe a little melancholic blues) as the palette. When I list the major points, that doesn’t feel entirely accurate at first, but the more I think about it, it does kinda fit.

On the game dev side of things, I released two (!!) games that went pretty well considering that its… well, me. Soulbound to You still needs that minorish update though and it haunts me everytime I look at itch.io. I’m really happy to have worked with everyone I did, and grateful as always for the patience and kindness I’ve been shown. However, the behind-the-scenes for those games went a lot better than they had in 2022, which I think is a huge marker in my personal growth as a dev but more significantly, a person.

The personal side of 2023 (here comes the trademark TMI) is really interesting because, while at the moment, I feel like I think I’m just the same, I’m really not. After 3 years of starting therapy (although not continuously and changed from like 5 therapists) I had a (first) major breakthrough in the fall. It makes all the years of feeling like “this isn’t working” and “I just need pills and copium” worth it. Cuz lolol I… did not think crippling low self-esteem and pervasive negative self-talk described me at all, but it’s literally so sooooo bad for me. So now I’ve identified the issue(s), now it’s just like everything else. (fuck) Lmao but fuck it we ball as always.

As a creator, I went through some ups and downs in my feelings about creating. From my really ambitious personal project ideas to jams to just writing in general, I’m currently not feeling good about my writing at all. I really don’t think I can write my stories to the level I want. To convey deep, vivid melancholic bittersweet emotions seems beyond my reach. The skill difference of where I am to where I want to be is just so vast that it feels impossible to overcome. It feels like there’s no point to even trying. But that’s a lie cuz my brain needs some bonking. Like, I’m only 19. Most of the peers I look up to have like at least a couple years of experience on me. I have time. So I’ve been trying to write anyway, same with art. I’ve always wanted to learn and get good at art and now I’m practicing slowly but surely.

In 2024, I have no clue what will happen with my dev “career”. After my worst semester at uni yet, I’ve realized that I actually do want to graduate school (etc.) so I need to get my head into the game. I have a soulsucking job, too (pharmacy retail baybeee) and I don’t have the time to consistently dedicate to game dev, but… I think I’m okay with that. I love game dev, don’t get me wrong, but I’m at a point where I don’t feel like I need to work on games or I’ll die (smth smth game dev is/was my hyperfixation). I don’t think I’ll stop devving, buuut I don’t think I’ll be able to commit to anything (the reason my profile schedule is now what it is), so I’m just doing whatever I feel like. Like what you’d do with a normal hobby. With that, my devving takes on a more casual personal tone. It’s no longer really about building an audience and making successful commercial games, but doing what makes me happy. It’s pretty freeing in a sense, although it makes me feel lost in some ways too.

Oh also, I found out I’m autistic. Yippee!!

Happy New Years! May this one be a good one for us all!