A D100 table of freaks and foes for the tabletop game of your choice!

To roll a D100, roll two D10s, use one as the tens and one as the units. :)

1. A nasty little shit, covered hair and ragged mouths, runs towards you and then past you. It was screaming and afraid, but what could scare that?
2. Three goblins tell jokes to one another around a wide, open fire. Their jokes aren’t funny, but they’re laughing so much that two of them have pissed!
3. A large spider weaves a web. She has over a thousand babies in her belly, and she’s not too pleased about it!
4. ‘Are you God?’ The pilgrim is weary, weathered and calloused over years of wandering the depths of this dying world… Are you what they seek?
5. A strange machine whirs in the dark. Cogs and gears gnaw on one another, pumping black blood through rubber pipes and giving the machine Thought.
6. A ghost wafts overhead like a fart. It looks down at you with eyes that cannot see, and you cannot help but feel a chill run down your spine…
7. ‘I’ll have you know, I’m friends with Shin Kebab, so you’d better watch yourself!’ He’s lying, because Shin Kebab is dead in a ditch.
8. An orc is practicing her moves, swinging her battle axe with a ferocity you’ve seen only once before… What happened to her, to act like this?
9. ING is here! Sick of the top of the tallest peak, he’s decided he’d look around. Things are a little too freaky down here for him!
10. A bat the size of a man swoops down, mistaking you for a common cave goblin. Hungry for eyes, the bat swoops down on you again!
11. A troll sits by an underground stream, dipping their fingers in from time to time. Their brutish frame and bloody club seem strange, compared to their philosophising eyes…
12. A cat with twelve legs scuttles by, stealing all the coins and catnip from your pockets! Come back, thief!
13. A cave monster the size of a small dog barks and barks at you! The monsters cry bores into your head, and within a few moments you get a migraine…
14. FUJAL, Forge-Master of the Dead is here, even now hammering at a sword wrought of bone! He turns his skeletal face towards you, bearded and eyeless, then returns to his work…
15. A single frog is here. It watches a fly with a hungry intent, but the fly is wise to its tricks. Leering at the frog the fly keeps landing on swords and spikes, hoping the frog will cut open its tongue and die, becoming a prime location for it to lay its own eggs…
16. A gnome is here, but with a map for the wrong place! Using the map for guidance, they’ve quickly become quite lost, and ask for for directions!
17. A creature made of swords screams! What a cruel fate it is, to never know the touch of a kinsman or lover, to live only to slice and kill…
18. A Minotaur says hello! It’s been some time since an Adventurer came by, and since then they’ve changed their ways! They pour you some apple juice, and offer you a prime cut of meat for your journey!
19. Two hobgoblins are dancing, illuminated by a moonlit hole in the ceiling. They look entranced, and in love. Nothing can stop them, when their hearts are as full as this.
20. An old dragon huffs and puffs, but no fire will come. They’ve spent so much time in the gloom beneath the earth that it has made them sick. They want to stretch their wings, to gorge themselves on the clouds above!
21. A strange creature with a peculiar face is sitting in the corner, cutting up story-books and making them into new ones. The new ones aren’t very good…
22. A fairy glows softly amongst the shadows. They have a speech to give to the forest folk, but are so shy they fled down here… They’ve been practicing their speech, and it’s actually quite good, they just need to believe in themselves.
23. A bastard approaches! Wielding a sword made out of teeth and a cloak made out of skin, he’s clearly a little bit twisted…
24. Three spider-things have you in their trap! Locked in their web you cannot move! The spiders are arguing over who gets to eat your spleen!
25. A wizzard is dancing by a pond. They’ve drank from it, because there’s water all down their chin. ‘Is it something in the water? ;)’ they sing quite merrily.
26. A hobgoblin is sitting on their adventuring pack, playing on their flute. They see you and welcome you to join, then continue with their sad song…
27. A lizard-man has just shat in the corner. He didn’t think anyone would come by here for centuries, and is pretty embarrassed about it now…
28. ‘I’ll eat your flesh, didn’t you know!?’ Two ghouls seem to have fallen out. They’re shouting at each other, oblivious that you’re even there…
29. A mushroom waddles by, bells tied to their toes. A few moments later, a goblin runs by, sweating. She calls out to the mushrooms and runs her hands together quite loudly. When it doesn’t return, she continues her search…
30. ‘I am quite clearly mad!’ The wizzard is trying to gain favour with a group of madmen. They don’t believe him, so turn him into a lemon and a lime.
31. Gorgonzola is here. His yellow cloak and pointy hat are skid-marked and torn. Poor fellow, a cyclops mistook him for a sheet of loo roll…
32. A skeleton crawls about, asking if any of you are necromancers. Whoever summoned it only summoned arms, making it hard to walk around.
33. A fierce-looking orc stands before a door. He won’t let you in. His baby is in there, and he only just got it to sleep.
34. A witch laughs to herself. She waves her hands as if to cast a spell, then decides against it, laughing to herself again.
35. Macadamia and Maoi Rot are here on their honeymoon! They were both adventurers before they met, so they thought they’d go on a quest together!
36. A vampire was just resealing her tomb. She says she’s ready for another thousand-year slumber, and that’s exactly what she’s gonna do.
37. A horse-sized crab burrows up from deep below! Scalding steam comes from its shell, and it snaps its razor claws at you!
38. One of the Old Ones is here. Born before eyes, before speech, before teeth, before bones. It lumbers by, the size of a small hill, stinking of the dark place beyond the stars…
39. You hear the whirring cogs of an android, and sure enough an android walks by! It’s got a magick sword from somewhere, which doesn’t seem fair…
40. A troupe of funny daemons skips by, all with gaping mouth, melting eyes, and pierced ears. It to mention their silly hats, which are something to tell your grandchildren about!
41. There’s so much mud, you can barely walk! You’ve already lost one of your boots, and now it’s up to your chest!
42. A gargoyle stands tall, trying to tune a flaming, golden harp. He says it’s cursed, but that because he’s made of stone it doesn’t hurt.
43. ARGONIUS, the Master of Pirates, is here! On his belt is his famous black scimitar, and in his hands is a hefty cannon! Slung over his back is enough booty to fill an entire fleet of ships!
44. ‘Hey, you there!’ A dubious bastard has spotted you through the gloom! You try and hide from him, but he sniffs you out like a rat. ‘I wrote an epic poem just now, eight-thousand lines long! Wanna hear it?’ Alas…
45. A serpent slithers towards you, it’s three mouths wide open, and it’s six eyes set upon you! It wouldn’t be so bad, if it wasn’t the length of ten men!
46. An old ent is here, her old boughs have shed their leaves and it seems unlikely they’ll regrow. She’s very tired, as you can imagine…
47. A murder of crows laugh as they murder another murder of crows!
48. A funny little imp slaps his cheeks, pulls on his ears, then lays an egg!
49. ‘Who said I can’t die if I wanna?’ The cave-thing throws itself into a bottomless chasm. It’ll die of starvation before it hits the bottom…
50. RUDOLPH, a very confused ghost, drifts through you. As they do, your mind is filled with their addled thoughts and half-remembered memories. So sad.
51. ‘I have seen God! I have held council with the Ultimate Machine!’ That’s what CYBORG, the Wandering Robot, says. One of his wheels have fallen off.
52. A cyclops and an ogre are wrestling. The ogre’s playing dirty, he keep walloping the cyclops in the eye! So cruel!
53. A creature walks by, wrought of gold and as pure as the stars above! Who is she? And what is this song she sings? You can’t help but follow…
54. A novice sorcerer is trying to solve a tricky word search… They say if they complete it, their tutor will teach them a very cool spell.
55. GNOMEY, the ancient gnome alchemist, throws a brew at the back of your head! You’d be upset, but it was a healing potion and the wound is gone!
56. The Real NECROMANCER commands all skeletons to do a silly dance! Unfortunately, that includes your skeleton… He then runs away!
57. ‘Buboes, bangles, brillos, and brine!’ A one of the last Bile Men is trying desperately to cast a spell, but he just can’t…
58. A gnome with a pointy red hat and a blood-soaked axe charges towards you! You’ve wandered into his garden, and stepped on his tulips…
59. A giant toad gobbles the last Adventurer who tried to take his glasses! They’re enchanted, and because he’s giant they’d actually fit most people…
60. A wizzard teleports in front of you, throws a bag of loose change at the wall, and vanishes again! You receive almost twenty pence!
61. A mighty ogre throws his club at you! You’ve done nothing wrong, he’s just having a bad day and fancies clobbering some Adventurers!
62. A river nymph is holding a tiny, ghoulish goblin in her arms. They’re both weeping, but are holding each other tight.
63. ‘I am the lord of the deep!’ exclaims the bloated worm! He found a cool ring that’s probably cursed, but he doesn’t care.
64. KLUGES IV rolls in, his rubber treads crushing all in his way! He points a beam of starlight at your head, decides you’re not worth it, and rolls away…
65. ‘Yeah, so what?’ The lizard-man took your hat, and you’re not getting it back!
66. Three fish-men have their heads dunked in a small pool. They spent too long adventuring out in the open, and need to catch their breaths!
67. A giant yellow bear throws a boulder at you! You got a little too close to her honey-stash, and she’s not taking any chances after last time…
68. A troll guards an ancient, ruined gate. The gate was made by a wizzard to trap him, but he tricked the wizzard and locked them in there years ago!
69. A man wearing a cloak of starlight is eating from a tin of corned beef.
70. ‘He’s very sick, Shin Kebab is very sick!’ The goblin nurse scuttles about, too overwhelmed to pick a direction to go in… Where is Shin Kebab?
71. Two elf merchants got stuck here in their wagon. They thought they’d be able to squeeze through, but they were wrong. Care to buy a woven rug?
72. An old, bearded gnome is looking through a photo album, sometimes chuckling, sometimes weeping. ‘The end is very near. I am glad.’
73. There’s nothing here! Why then, does the whole place reek of vinegar?
74. A sly cretin with sleazy eyes passes by. You can hear its raspy breath and sweat-soaked fingers as it walks past you. It has quite beautiful hair.
75. A band of snails are led by a noble. They seek slime, and seek it now!
76. A hobgoblin waddles towards you, its trousers full of shit. It has jars of jam and tubes of mustard, all for a very low price!
77. ‘I am the ulcer in the mouth of God!’ The fairy heard someone say that once, and thought it sounded very cool.
78. A scholar is sat here, cursing a scroll. They’re trying to write an essay, but don’t even know where to start…
79. A little ghost laughs at you from above the doorway. It spits at you, too!
80. An entire gargoyle warband marches through this place, wielding wicked swords and flaming halberds! You’re not even worth their time, so they go.
81. A giant, hungry wolf is covered in wounds and pierced with arrows. It opens its mouth to eat you, but perishes instead. Between two fangs is an amulet!
82. A daemon stumbles around! It’s lost its face, but can’t tell you where!
83. A band of fairies blow their whistles and strike their gongs!
84. An orc comes riding in on the back of a great spider. He tells you the orc chief, CRANDLE, wants to speak with you!
85. ‘How about you just fuck off?’ The prison guard isn’t a very happy person…
86. A few peasants walk by, drinking from their wooden bowls and talking about nice thing, like apples, and roller-skates. They see you, and smile.
87. A putrid, wingless bird picks the flesh clean from a dead Adventurer…
88. ‘Stabumba, ralal a mobo?’ The elf holds up a scrap of green cloth, clearly in need, but they don’t speak English…
89. An orc is boogying with two sewer-nymphs. They look like they’re having a good time, and the tiny goblin band is playing some funky tunes.
90. A human woman comes, riding on a dairy cow. She’s made ice cream of every colour and flavour, and is willing to trade you some!
91. A giant is lying on their side. They fell asleep so long that they’ve ended up being buried underground! They can’t move now, they’re holding up a village!
92. Two ghouls do battle in black cloaks, their scythes clashing again and again. Finally, one deals a mortal blow, and the loser turns to dust…
93. A gnome dressed in white laughs! They’ve procured a giant pair of scissors, and are ready to get their revenge at last!
94. What looks like a human comes towards you, wearing a suit of silver and pipes. They’re so cold, and shrouded in mist, and a moment later they’re gone
95. A manticore throws a little fireball at you! ‘That was just a warning, you freaks!’ You haven’t even done anything?
96. You hear someone playing a harp nearby… When you find it, there’s nobody there, and the strings are strumming themselves…
97. ‘I’m got a load of pickled eggs!’ The goblin spits egg-chunks at you, speaking with its mouth full of eggs. It has a knapsack overflowing with them…
98. A wizzard is weaving themselves a wand out of thin air. Your breath, and eve your dreams are taken away, and woven into this wondrous thing!
99. A witch has lost her cat! And her broom, and her cauldron… Is she even a witch, or just a scabby green hag?
100. Here, at the bottom of the earth, you find an egg of black stone. A dark whisper like a creaking door comes out, ‘Abandon me, and I will lay your gods to rest!’

If you like this kind of stuff, consider checking out my zine Dogshit!

Jamzilla, 2022