Finished Full Voice Acting Update Released (and some additional notes)


Sooo, it took a little while longer than I initially anticipated because, as always, life likes to throw me off when I try to make plans xD But it's done now and the game now has full voice acting for both the masculine & feminine voices for Snowe :3

If you already downloaded the game prior to this update and started playing, you might have to delete your save data completely in order to avoid possible bugs loading old data with the new version since some big changes to the files have been made >.< I can't say for sure because I accidentally loaded old data while testing and it seemed to work, but then I wiped it and started from scratch to test more stuff!

If you do need to delete your save data, it's usually stored under Users > (your username) > AppData (this folder is hidden by default so you need to select to show hidden folders) > LocalLow > Melancholy Marionette > (then you should see either 1 or 2 folders related to Sapphire Snowe, you'll want to delete both of them)

I hope I've uploaded the right files anyhow and not broken anything in the process x3 That's always my biggest fear when working on updates, haha. I did do a lot of testing again, but you can never catch absolutely everything >.<

With any luck, I'll be able to get the OST out on YouTube soonish! Probably not until sometime in early February though.

Big Change

Full voice acting is now implemented for the masculine version of Snowe

Small Changes

I also made some other tweaks here and there so other small changes are as follows:

  • Made the text in the music player a tiny bit smaller so the 1 track name that didn't fit on the button should now

  • Added a few extra efforts and sfx for fem Snowe

  • Swapped a few of Saffie's voice lines for retakes in the fem Snowe path

  • Edited some of the dialogue text for the masc Snowe path to better match Jason's voice acting and account for some ad-lib moments

  • Fixed a minor bug where a BGM wouldn't stop playing if the skip function was used during fem Snowe path

  • Added an extra loading point to help struggling systems load the last part of the game

  • Added the use of the dev console for players (more on this in an updated section of the guide)
  • Fixed the text box not changing from the narrator's style to Saffie's style during one of Saffie's ending monologues

  • Updated the splash screen and credits to include the Yandere Jams that the game was finished for

Some Notes On Voice Acting

Alrighty, so I want to be honest about this here because it's a bit of a contentious subject, haha.

Basically, the voice acting in this particular project of mine is a mixture of both human VA and AI-assisted VA (I recorded some lines myself & used speech-to-speech to change my voice). I don't know if you could already tell which characters are voiced by actual human beings and which were me dubbed over by AI, and tbh, I think the AI is quite scarily decent >.< although definitely still no match for real human voices!

Technically everything was voiced by humans in the sense that the AI-voiced characters were voiced by me using speech-to-speech, kinda like a voice changer in a way I guess x3 I basically sat and recorded all the lines for the narrator, misc characters, and for fem Snowe. I then very carefully chose appropriate AI voices for those characters, and through the magic of technology, the AI basically took my delivery of the line, kept all my intonation and pauses, breaths, exclamations etc. intact, and essentially transformed my voice while keeping the way I delivered the lines practically identical. (It really struggled with some of my exclamations xD)

Saffie is voiced by a real human, the wonderful Jennifer Kiffe & masculine Snowe is voiced by the equally wonderful Jason Hall :3

But yeah, everything else was sadly just me >.< haha. I credited the remaining VA to 'Al Kingsley', 'Ashen Raven' and 'BunnieBrie' because:

A: I didn't wanna slap my name over the in-game credits too many times as I find that uncomfortable, haha.

And B: I wanted to wait until the project was properly finished with full VA so I could actually explain my use of AI in a post like this x3

My brother said I shouldn't speak about it and just see if anyone actually notices, but that would feel wrong >.<

But Whyyyyy?!?!

So you might be thinking, why would you do that when you're such a huge fan of voice acting? Why have you bowed down to the robots? x3 Well, I have to say, like many others, I'm extremely worried about the impact of AI in general on creative endeavours, so I didn't use it lightly or without a reason I could personally justify.

This was my first time experimenting with AI in a project, and my aim was to use it as an assisting tool rather than to replace a human. My reasons are different when it comes to the narration compared to using it for fem Snowe.

Narration

Firstly, this game has a lot of 3rd person narration from a proper narrator that isn't a character from the story. I don't usually write like this, but I really wanted to have a detached narrator for this particular story to make it feel more like a fairytale; more like Saffie's story. However, if the narrator wasn't voiced, that would involve reading a lot of text, and as someone who has dyslexia and knows others who do too, I personally find it A LOT easier to hear text read out to me.

Sure, there is that open dyslexic font, but I don't really know how to implement font changes in Naninovel yet + I personally find it to be useless >.< It's a nice thing to include if you can, and I'm sure it helps some people, but both my brother and I have discussed before that we can't read it any easier than other fonts, haha. 

On top of that, when attempting to proofread my own writing, I find it far easier to spot mistakes or areas that could be quickly improved if I can hear the text being read to me compared to me just reading it myself. So being able to record myself speaking the lines out loud and then have the AI dub over me allowed me to edit the text a lot better too.

You might be thinking, okay, fair enough, but why not just cast someone as a narrator? Well, the answer to that is a pretty simple one. It wouldn't have been fair to put the workload on anyone but myself x3 I was trying to get things finished for jam deadlines as usual, and the narrator has over 400 lines >.< Around 100 of those are lines for pronoun variations to account for the player picking between a masculine or a feminine Snowe. To ask a voice actor to record that many lines on a deadline with little pay would just be wrong. And there's no way I could have fairly compensated a person for their time.

I was willing to record the lines myself, but my mic isn't great, and I don't have the loveliest voice in the universe either. Using speech-to-speech meant I could dub over my voice with an AI voice of choice that sounds a lot better than I do!

Fem Snowe & Misc Characters

This use of assistive AI was a little different. This was more about me wanting to have a shot at voice acting in a way that felt safer. I have extreme anxiety, so I don't feel like I can really get into voice acting properly as much as I would like to >.< As I mentioned, my mic is also kinda poop! I really, really hate my voice, and I definitely wouldn't cast myself x3 But as with the narration, using speech-to-speech, I was able to record all the lines for fem Snowe and other misc characters and have AI dub me, keeping my intonation and delivery of each line intact, but changing my voice. 

To be honest, it's kind of creepy in a way because the AI voice that I picked to dub me for fem Snowe sounds kind of like how I used to speak when I was younger xD My voice has become less posh over the years though since I was bullied for speaking like that, haha. Kids at school used to tease me for sounding like Hermione from Harry Potter >.<

So yeah, this was my experiment at voice acting without actually having to include my voice within the game.

It wasn't the only reason for dubbing myself though. The deadline played a part too. Since Jason became ill before he could finish recording his lines for the masculine version of Snowe and I really didn't want to release a version of the game for the jam that didn't have full VA for at least 1 version of Snowe, I took it upon myself to give it a shot.

I couldn't possibly have cast someone else in the role because there wouldn't have been enough time for them to record before the jam finished. I pushed myself to get it done in 48 hours like a crazy lady x3 and I wouldn't dream of asking a poor VA to do that, especially when I wouldn't be able to afford to compensate them fairly for their work!

Would I do it again?

Possibly, but it really depends on the situation. In this case, if I hadn't used it, then those narrator lines and fem Snowe would have been left unvoiced. I think I would prefer to use AI speech-to-speech dubbing over nothing at all, but it would really be a last resort for if it wasn't possible to get a full human cast!

While it was an interesting experience to work with, it was also pretty boring, haha. And while the speech-to-speech dubbing is undoubtedly impressive, I much prefer working with proper human voice actors! I'm a huge fan of voice acting in general, and one of my favourite parts of game dev is working with voice actors :3 For me, it's their talent that breathes life into my characters and I'd be lost without them.

I don't think even my best efforts at recording the lines and dubbing over myself can compare to a properly talented voice actor tackling the task! It just about worked out as passable in this case because the narrator and fem Snowe didn't require that much emotion. I don't think even with the dubbing the AI can properly replicate the nuances in a talented actor's performance, and even if it reaches a point where it can come close, it still wouldn't be the same because there's no real soul there in the AI >.<

For me, true human VA will always win, and I would only ever resort to using partial AI dubbing again for accessibility purposes, or in a similar situation where there's no time or I can't afford to cast a person.

Get Sapphire Snowe: The Bear, The Beast & The Blizzard

Download NowName your own price

Comments

Log in with itch.io to leave a comment.

(+1)

Hermione from Harry Potter.  Now I have to imagine her voice narrating the lines when playing this.  :)

Kids can be cruel no matter what, but I want to say I sorta adore that 'posh' sounding accent.  It sounds sophisticated and cultured (well, at least depending on what's being said).  It sounds more as if those stupid kids making fun of you were jealous of you for sounding better than they do.

I'm glad you put so much time and effort into your work.  I fully support you wanting to use AI voice acting in any work be it now or in the future, be it AI-assisted voice acting like what you did here or full on 'type in the script and let them read it' stuff.

I personally feel it might be better to lean on AI if you aren't able to pay the workers properly.  You being indie and non-profit (basically) means nobody can really hold it against you for wanting to do it that way.

Whatever you decide, kudos and thanks for sharing this post!

(+1)

xD Actually, that would probably sound pretty calming as a narration voice!

Well, my voice now is nothing like it used to be as a kid x3 I don’t even know how to describe my voice now tbh. It definitely sounds more common than posh! Though, I guess some folks would still say it sounds semi-posh just on account of the region I live in since it’s more sorta classic British sounding. Funnily enough though, when I’m at my most relaxed, I adopt a part northern/Lancashire accent xD I guess that kinda just happened from all the time I spent living up north, haha. A nurse who was once taking my blood asked me where I was from. I was stunned and replied, “Uhm… here.” And she was confused. She said it sounded like I had an accent of some sort. Heck knows what she heard, haha. Probably doesn’t help that I think I suffer from the sorta monotonous/not much variation in pitch and tone thing that some folks with ASD have >.<

Yeah, I don’t think anyone would hold it against me too much if I were to try more stuff with AI voices with me being indie and non-profit as you say. One huuuuge problem though is that, as you know, I love game jams, and many jams are now including quite strict rules on AI that state you cannot submit to the jam if you’ve used AI in any way >.<

For the yandere jams that I finished this project for, I spoke to both people running each respective jam to explain my use of it in this case, and the outcome was different for each. One thought it was okay to make an exception because it was used as a supportive/accessibility tool. The other understood that but decided not to make an exception because they said it’s basically a slippery slope, and when you make exceptions for one thing, it means making exceptions for others, so it’s easier to just say, if AI was involved, it’s not allowed no matter the circumstances. 

I mean, as long as VAs are okay with the pay I can offer, then I’d much rather keep working with actual humans, haha. Right now, the best I can generally do for jam projects is $50 per script (generally not exceeding 250 lines), with the possibility of a top-up dependent on donations received for that specific jam project. For longer-term projects like DD, it’d be more like a per hour sorta deal I guess.

I don’t really know how long it takes voice actors to record a 200-line script >.< I know it took me hours to do the stuff for Sapphire Snowe but I also know that I’m inexperienced and have terrible recording equipment/space, haha.

So when I look at it like that, $50 for a script isn’t great pay, especially not when I see online it says in the UK, around £250 per hour is the going rate currently. Although, that is for experienced, professional VAs apparently.

On the other hand, if it takes around 2 hours or something to record, that’s $25 an hour, and that’s more than the rate of pay for working in many places over here in the UK. So it might be awful by industry standards, but it’s still better than retail work if someone’s just starting out doing VA for the first time or as a sorta side hustle or hobby I guess >.<

Whatever I do though, I’ll always be upfront about what I can afford to pay, and then it’s entirely up to individuals as to whether or not they’re interested in the project :3

I tend to use CastingCallClub for putting up casting calls and it seems like there’s a real mixture of folks on there from those literally just starting out but hope to make a career of it, some dipping their toes in the water just for fun/something to do, to people who have been doing it for a while and only take on commercial work. 

When it comes to people just starting out, I’ve worked with a fair few like that who are absolutely phenomenal VAs. They didn’t mind what the rate of pay was cos their main objective at the time was to just get out there and build up a portfolio, which is fair enough. I kind of worry with the AI voice stuff that if too many people fall back on that, then those people who are just beginning their VA journey might get passed over >.< and that would be a huge loss cos there are so many insanely talented people out there who deserve to be heard.

But yeah, I dunno. Maybe a blend of both is the best way forward or something! I think as long as anyone is comfortable with what I can afford to pay though, I’ll stick with humans as much as possible because it’s so much more fun than working with AI x3 I found the AI stuff somewhat interesting, but then quickly became extremely bored with it, haha. 

I really appreciate your support though on a subject like this because I was genuinely a bit scared of saying that I’d used a form of AI voicing in this! I know a lot of people see AI as utterly unacceptable, so I was just really hoping anyone with that view might understand why I did for this particular project if I tried to explain it all in detail x3 I still don’t know exactly where I stand on the use of AI in games in general if I’m honest! All I know is that it’s far too complicated of an issue to classify it as purely good or evil like some people do >.<

(+1)

Blocking any AI-generated visuals and audio for INDIE projects is really weird, especially considering these are game jam projects that are completely non-profit works (all of them have to have free playable versions for play during the game jam).

It is one thing to say not to use it in commercial work (a for-profit game or something) which is expected.  It is another to set the same standard for non-profit freeware indie work.

I despise any and all use of AI by multi-billion multi-national corporations that seek to replace workers with AI for profit.

However, I personally have no issues with indies and freeware projects using AI so long as they are upfront about it and disclose it properly.

(+1)

I kind of get it in the sense that these are small-scale things and a lot of the VN-making community is against AI-generated stuff in general because of the impact on artists and such, but at the same time, I also know a handful of people who would love to get into making VNs but can’t because they can’t draw + also can’t afford to purchase assets. Sure, there’s free stuff available for people to use, but it often comes with hefty terms of use, and seeing the same sprites in 10+ games isn’t exactly great for players >.<

So I can see both sides I guess. For competitions, even indie ones, I don’t think it should be allowed because I feel like judges would be inundated with AI-generated entries which would make it difficult to actually play everything submitted. But even in non-competitive jams, I suppose the hosts want to prevent their jams from being flooded with low-quality entries that may have been made entirely with AI. Cos I know a lot of jam hosts already have to kick out tonnes of irrelevant or rule-breaking entries from their jams as it is, haha.  AI has probably just made that side of things even worse >.<

“I despise any and all use of AI by multi-billion multi-national corporations that seek to replace workers with AI for profit.”

Totally agree on that! And yet it seems to be escalating :( 


"However, I personally have no issues with indies and freeware projects using AI so long as they are upfront about it and disclose it properly."

And I agree with that too! Though I can understand why jam hosts would ask folks not to since they can make their own rules. I’d be curious to know if it’s a trend across all kinds of game jams or just in the VN-making arena! I was hoping to join 1 jam that starts fairly soon, and they also have the same rule, no AI-generated stuff, which is fine by me cos I wasn’t planning to use anything like that anyway, but it does seem to have become the norm in VN-related jams as far as I can see.

(+2)

You put so much hard work and love into your games and it shows!!

(+1)

Espoooooooir!!! <3 That really means a lot! Thank you so much for being so sweet as always :3

Actually, I need to say another thank you to you because, after I finished Sapphire Snowe, I was filled with the usual dread that I get when I finish and release a project xD I always feel like it’s a relief and give myself a tiny pat on the back for managing it, and then shortly afterwards, my brain starts screaming, oh, God… What have I done?! x3 

I was feeling super exhausted but also couldn’t sleep, so I figured I’d watch your playthrough of Tunnel Vision in an attempt to calm down and chill out. Not only did it calm me down, but it made me smile, laugh, and stopped me from feeling that sense of dread from releasing Sapphire Snowe, like everything was okay after all :3

Even though I normally find it too cringeworthy to see my own games being played, somehow, your videos never fail to make me actually feel better about my projects when I’m feeling down about them! Not only are you incredibly entertaining and engaging in your videos, you also help me to see my stuff in a new light, and I can never thank you enough for that!

So yeah, thank you so much for your Tunnel Vision video :3 It really cheered me up! I’m sorry you never got to play hangman though x3 And I love that you had the Monty Python rabbit reference in mind cos I was thinking the same thing xD Also, additional heaps of thanks for keeping the gift stuff a secret! That’s much appreciated. So glad that you kept on poking the grumpy moth until you got that particular title screen image too x3

You’re such a ray of sunshine in general! Hope you get to have a fabulous February :3

(+2)

Thank YOU so much for making these wonderful games and putting your whole heart into them!! That's really what I love about playing these games from all these different developers! I am so glad that my silly little videos can give people so much joy *cries*. I try to read all the comments I get and so many people say I help them relax or have a better day. That truly means so much to me and gives me the strength to keep going.

To be honest I too get super nervous when I upload a video that I've been very excited about, I usually have to lay down and rest just from uploading it! But the best thing to do is just keep moving forward (while taking breaks), to just go for it and learn from any mistakes.

I feel like I missed a few endings in Tunnel Vision though I tried to get as many as I could, that WAS really fun and threw me for a few loops, I really love that! And that game was super creative with the Simon Says part!! And no problem in keeping the code a secret, above all things I want to respect the developers so I really appreciate you making it clear to keep it hidden!

I just finished recording Sapphire Snow and I think it's beautiful with a super important message! Since we're on the subject, is there anything you don't feel comfortable showing in the video? I kept the very sweet personal message at the end and it makes me want to give you the biggest HUG! Because I went through a very similar thing, it's the reason why I named myself Espoir du Vide. Years ago I started making a game called Gentille Alouette and in making that game I worked through a lot of mental struggles and took the name of the character Espoir  and I could feel that in Sapphire Snow. 

But thank you so much for all YOU do, I hope you're taking care of yourself, putting yourself first, and knowing how much you are loved and cherished by complete strangers!

(+1)

There is something special about indie games in general I think :3 I haven’t managed to play as much as you, but whenever I’ve paused to try and check out stuff other devs have made for game jams and things, I’m always blown away by the sheer effort, passion, and imagination in everyone’s stories! In many ways, I think I now enjoy playing indie VNs more than I do the big commercial Japanese titles that originally got me into the genre :D

I’m gonna sound kinda ancient by saying this, but back when I first decided to try and make a VN, I’d largely exhausted the VNs available to play at the time xD or at least within the genres I was interested in reading, and there really wasn’t much in the way of Western/OELVNs around at all. Nowadays I’m spoiled for choice, haha. My backlog is so big at this point that I’m not sure if I’ll ever conquer it x3 But it’s amazing to see so many awesome games coming to life by such a huge array of incredible people!

You are a joy machine :D hehe. Well, you’re not a machine, of course x3 but you definitely spread a lot of joy with your videos :3 It’s difficult for me to find the right words to describe your videos and the way you come across in them, but just the way you are always resonates with me :3 You’re always so genuine and relatable! And the way you present stuff makes it feel as though you’re watching a video from a friend right from the first video you jump into! It’s very cosy and comforting ^-^

I should also congratulate you on your 30k+ subs cos that is HUGE! And very much deserved :3 I hope as time goes on that even more people will be able to discover and enjoy your content :D 

Aww x3 Well, I hope you do give yourself the time to rest and treat yourself when you’ve finished and released a new video cos it must be heaps of work! It’s crystal clear that you pour a lot of love and passion into your content :3

There are a fair few endings in Tunnel Vision to be fair, and some are impossible to get all in one playthrough. It made me smile when you made a comment along the lines of wondering what would happen if you didn’t pick anything and let everything time out because there is an ending specifically for that xD

I can’t believe you played Sapphire Snowe too x3 I don’t know why but I just imagined that not many people would play that one due to the kind of content >.< and I definitely didn’t think anyone would ever do a video playthrough of it!!

I’m comfortable with anything/everything being shown :3 that’s very sweet of you to ask btw! Sometimes I wonder if I’m a bit TOO open about my mental health stuff >.< but then I think to myself, well, it’s not like I’m forcing it on people, and I feel like in the society I live in, people could do with discussing their mental health more openly in general because, while things have improved a little over the years, there’s still a lot of stigma surrounding the topic >.< and I hate the thought of anyone suffering in silence feeling like they can’t speak about their feelings and experiences.

I don’t really want to be seen as one of those types of people who won’t shut up about stuff, haha, but at the same time, I don’t see any point in hiding those sorts of personal things because they’re a part of who I am and go a long way towards explaining why I have difficulty dealing with different things. I’d much rather be open and honest about stuff so people know I’m like X because of Y, rather than people drawing inaccurate conclusions or anything cos it does suck if people end up thinking negatively of you for the wrong reasons. 

Like at school, I think people viewed me as a mixture of shy and aloof or stuck up/disinterested, but it wasn’t like that >.< I had extreme social anxiety and struggled to communicate x3 it’s not that I didn’t want to, it’s that I couldn’t because I didn’t know how, haha. I even had to write a letter to my wider family explaining how bad my social anxiety is, and about my ASD, because when we have family gatherings, I often just sit in a corner and don’t contribute anything. It would be so easy to think I was just being rude, but that’s not what’s going on, it’s that I don’t know how to join in unless someone actually brings me into the conversations x3

Anyways, I’m rambling, sorry x3

If I could give you a gigantic hug back then I would! All I can do is send you *maximum virtual hugs* x3 I’m sorry you went through something similar though >.< I wouldn’t wish that kind of thing on anyone! No one should end up feeling that way :( That’s so cool that you took the name Espoir from that project though! If I’m being completely honest, I didn’t even know you had that project until reading what you wrote just now >.< but I had a peek at the page and it looks incredible! I’m definitely gonna have to make time for the demo at some point, especially knowing how important of a piece it is to you :3 I hope you’re able to finish it someday at your own pace so it can grow with all the love and care that I’m sure you’ll give it <3

It means a lot that you could feel that sort of essence of working through mental struggles in Sapphire Snowe :3 I always feel like I can never quite do justice to the things as they appear in my head when I get them into game form, haha. It’s like no matter how hard I try, they never come out quite right >.< and I really worried with this, the fact that I tried to make it to a jam timeframe might’ve hampered my efforts. I know it helped me process a lot of my feelings at the time, but it was hard to know if I should actually make it into something to be released publicly x3

I had hoped that it might come across as soothing in a similar way for players as it was for me making it, but I know that would be heavily dependent on individuals since everyone’s experience of life is completely unique to them. In the end, I just figured that it can’t really do any harm releasing it as long as I make sure to include all the appropriate triggers and warnings stuff, and if it somehow resonates with even 1 person, then it was worth putting it out there :3

When I think about it, I find it quite hard to even accept that strangers might love or cherish me and/or what I do x3 It seems insane to me when I just see myself as this little weirdo pootling on through life kinda lost but trying my best to keep going, haha. I guess that’s my terrible self-esteem talking though! I don’t really feel like I do anything worthy of being loved or cherished >.< and I struggle to give myself any credit or congratulations. I’m working on it though xD along with trying to take care of myself a bit better, haha. Even if it might not always seem like it, everyone’s kind words, like yours, genuinely do make a big difference :3 It helps me see myself and what I make in a light that I find hard to on my own.

And more than that, I can take everyone’s kindness and use it as a weapon to fight back against my evil brain demons that have the hobby of attempting to put me down x3 When they say stuff like I’m a useless waste of space, instead of sitting there thinking, yeah, you’re right, I can remember everyone’s caring words and stand my ground to say, actually, no I’m not, damn it, because X, Y, and Z, haha. It’s like holding on to a lantern that can fight off the darkness. It can’t completely swallow me up as long as I have that light of hope and positivity to carry with me :3

Please don’t feel like you have to respond to my ramble wall anyhow x3 Just know that I think you’re amazing and I appreciate you and everything you do <3 I hope you’re also taking care of yourself!!

(+2)

Adore you so much Miss 'Melanie' btw.
You are awesome and hope your future endeavors do well.  Shine a light upon the darkness and cast them back from whence they came!

(+1)

<3 You’re too kind!! >.<

I’m not gonna lie, things are still pretty bleak at the moment, haha. So I’m trying my best to hold onto all these nice things that people like yourself have said.

It’s kind of a long story, and you know what I’m like with my rambling, so I’ll try my best to summarise the situation (though I have rambled about it at even greater length in a ko-fi post draft that I'll probably post shortly, haha), but basically, I’m now stuck in a battle with the UK government that could last a few years >.< All because mental health professionals have encouraged me to apply for this small amount of extra support money you can get that’s designed to try and help people with various difficulties live a more independent life (in theory anyway x3)

I didn’t for many years cos I had a bad feeling it would be a harrowing process. I only went for it finally because the clinical psychologist who diagnosed my ASD last year pretty much begged me to try and apply for it.

Well, it hasn’t gone well, haha. That was kind of to be expected, but I couldn’t anticipate the sheer psychological damage of their independent ‘health’ assessments and following decision letter >.< I don’t really even have the words to describe the process, but if I had to try and pick a few, I’d go with, degrading, dehumanising, demeaning, invalidating, and ultimately traumatic. 

I couldn’t possibly handle it all alone, so I contacted the ASD support group I’m currently attending to see if they could offer any help, and they put me in touch with an advice & advocacy charity. The support group said that if we were being generous, their assessors are simply ignorant of how ASD can impact people. But more worryingly, it seems as though they have essentially denied the existence of my ASD diagnosis, refused to make reasonable adjustments for me despite my asking for them (and they're supposed to make these reasonable adjustments by law under a disabilities act), ignored all of my written correspondence, and essentially discriminated against me on account of my autism.

Since they won’t take in my words, I’m now having to rely on the advocacy charity to be my voice. I honestly don’t know what I would’ve done without their support. I’ve already had one of the biggest meltdowns I’ve had in years over the whole thing >.<

And, in general, it just seems as though the UK government are pushing to do everything it can to destroy the lives of disadvantaged and disabled people across the entire country :( It just seems like one of those unwinnable situations because we’re just the little people who can’t defend ourselves and they pick on us relentlessly, demonise us, and try to turn society against us. 

To them, we’re not passionate people who want to contribute as much as we can to society but just need some support to do so, nope, in their eyes and their rhetoric, we’re lazy, leeching, degenerates who are one of the big reasons the country’s economy is so bad because we’re sucking away all the taxpayer money claiming benefits >.> Because of course, the state of the economy has absolutely nothing to do with government incompetence and straight-up corruption of those in power.

Right now, they’re in the process of amending laws that will allow them to target people claiming aid money and look at the purchase history in their bank accounts + any accounts connected to those people, like friends & family members o.O Previously, they could only do that if they suspected someone of fraud, under the new changes, they can do generalised sweeping checks on everyone.

They say it’s to combat fraud because fraud related to certain benefits is costing far too much money, but their own figures show that in one of the benefits targetted, the rate of fraud was only 1.1% in 2023 o.O But they make out like everyone claiming it is an evil, money-sucking vampire! And the average person doesn’t go hunting for the facts and the truth. They just believe what they hear in the news from politicians saying things like the country is being destroyed by disabled, lazy, workshy parasites. Then people vote for them on the basis that they’re doing something about it by punishing us, therefore making the country better/richer.

They’re also looking to implement a scheme to push people who are long-term unemployed due to ill health into basically any job out there or be sanctioned/lose their support money. An MP said that it’s 'morally wrong' for people who are long-term unemployed to not be seeking any form of employment available to them regardless of their health conditions. That they have a duty to work and pay taxes, not scrounge off the benefits system.

Thankfully, there are people standing up to the cruel plans of the government, like in this quote here:

“Justin Donne, chair of the autistic-led charity Autistic Nottingham, said: “The only ‘moral wrong’ is the government’s callous attitude to people who are long-term unemployed, including the autistic people our charity supports.

“What’s concerning about the chancellor’s announcement is that it ignores the fact that few employers offer that kind of work-from-home flexibility and adequate pay, to make such plans realistic.

“We do not live in a dream world where these jobs exist, thus creating a nightmare for autistic people on benefits who are long-term unemployed due to a lack of accessible work.”

It hurts so much to be demonised like that by the people who are supposed to take care of the country and its people.

If I didn’t have everyone here telling me that there is value in what I’m trying to do with my games, I’d probably fall into complete despair with the way people like me are viewed by the average person in UK society >.<

Anyways, I’m sorry because I still rambled x3 It’s a big, multi-layered problem to unpack because you’ve got my individual nightmare related to my current claim and the charity helping me fight that battle, and then you’ve got the wider issue impacting everyone in a similar situation to me.

But yeah, with all that currently crushing me, it’s hard to hold onto a positive attitude >.< I’m just trying to do what I usually do when I’m overwhelmed and can’t cope with anything and just working ungodly hours on a project to completely block out thoughts of anything else x3 It's literally the only way I know how to survive >.<

I hope that you’re well yourself at least! And that February has been kind to you :3 With any luck, your year will be a happy one that gets better with every month!

(+1)

When you were describing how people thought you were aloof and it was just social anxiety, I felt that on a deep level. I also, and still am, very quiet. I love making videos because that’s my best self, that’s me at my happiest, just sharing cool games with friends. But in real life I’m super quiet and way more terrified of everything, haha. And I definitely know the feeling of social awkwardness being mistaken for something negative.

I wholeheartedly think mental health is something that should be talked about more! I’ve probably said it before but it’s something I feel really strongly about. After I started playing Sapphire Snow a bit more I felt that I really wanted other people to see it because I know people suffer in silence. I don’t know if the video will get a bunch of views, but maybe someone will feel heard and seen.

I love that analogy of using kind words against negative thoughts like a tiny lantern!!! I love that so much, because that’s what it feels like. I once saw a video where a person has two jars and the positive praise jar gets filled with tons of colorful beads but then the negative jar gets one single bead dropped in, then the woman smashes the jar full of praise (quite violently actually) and carries the jar with the one bead like it’s important. So I try to imagine carrying the full jar and leaving that single bead alone. Kind of a strange analogy but that thought of cherishing praise has helped me a lot recently.

I’m really glad that you have that platform and that space to be your best self in your videos :3 Your happiness definitely shines in your videos and is infectious, haha. It’s a shame that you can’t extend that sense of being able to fully be yourself in other parts of life :( I feel you though because I can only really be my happiest, most authentic version of myself when in the safety of my home, haha. Every time I step outside, it’s like I take a bag of masks with me and wear whichever one I feel I need to at the time x3 and I’m painfully aware that my masks aren’t even adequate, haha. 

At the ASD support group I’m attending right now, they have told us to try our best to embrace that we’re neurodivergent, to try and let go of the masks and the self-monitoring and just be the way we were before we realised we had to cover it all up x3 Which is a nice sentiment, but it’s easier said than done! If I’m being completely honest, sometimes I don’t even know who I am xD I’ve tried to squeeze myself into so many different shapes over the years in (failed) attempts to fit in that I feel like I consist of fragments of a person, and I’m not entirely sure what’s actually me and what’s leftover shards of some sort of performance >.<

I guess I never really had that opportunity as a kid/young person to explore/discover who I might be because I was too busy using all my energy trying to blend in as a matter of survival x3 That sounds so tragic now that I write it down o.o”

I’m not sure what it’s like where you are, but where I live, we still have that sort of stubbornness in older generations who don’t believe mental health is a thing x3 That it’s just youngsters are too sensitive these days, they need to pull their socks up, stop moaning, and get on with it! Sort of attitude >.< Even my own mum, who isn’t THAT old, doesn’t really get mental health like it’s something other people have made up because they’re too weak to handle life o.O I can’t talk to her about anything like that because it just does not compute with her even a tiny bit. 

And then you have the government and the media over here saying stuff like young people are ‘Generation Sick Note - Too lazy to work’ >.< Which just completely dismisses the fact that a huuuuge chunk of the reason people are too ill to work is because their mental health has gotten so bad! I don’t understand how in this day and age, people can still be so smallminded when it comes to mental health so much so as to accuse people struggling with poor mental health of being lazy :( 

And then the worst part is, they expect you to get better without any help! 

I think younger people are more clued up and more open about discussing mental health stuff, but yeah, we have a loooong way to go still when it comes to general understanding of how it impacts people >.<

Anyways, it means a lot to me that you felt that way about the game :3 It was always gonna be one of those obscure things that probably only interests a few people x3 but still, I have to thank you again for choosing to make a video of it! I've only had a chance to watch about half of your video so far, but I have to say that all your commentary and stuff is so heartwarming x3 You've handled such a sensitive topic with such a huge and caring heart <3 Aaaand, you still managed to make me laugh out loud more than once xD Digimon, hehe, now there are some happy childhood memories :D I reckon if Saffie had someone like you in her life for a while, she probably wouldn't have felt the need to go wandering off into the woods!

But yeah, even just from your comments here and the comments of others on the project, I’m glad that I decided to share it in the end because to know it resonates with anyone at all means the world to me and is also extremely validating on a personal level. If someone does end up feeling heard or seen as a result of your video, that would be incredible. I know for me, just having people on my side who accept and make an effort to understand me makes a world of difference because feeling invisible and alone is so isolating >.<

Man, that sounds like a pretty powerful video! I can see it playing out in my head just from your description, haha. As much as I hate to admit it, I’ve essentially done that at times myself >.< I wish I knew why it’s so much easier to hold on to 1 single negative thing than a whole bunch of positives. It seems so illogical x3 As much as I try to be the sort of person who doesn’t let the bad stuff get under my skin, it somehow always does. 1 stupid cruel comment shouldn't have the power to drown out an ocean of positivity T_T

I’d love to know what it is about someone’s journey through life that allows them to totally shrug off negative stuff like it hardly even touches them, haha. I see people who are super confident and think to myself… how?! How have you attained this level of confidence and where can I acquire it too, please? x3

I really like visual aids for things like this though, so I think I might have to borrow what you said about trying to imagine carrying the full jar of all the good things :3 I reckon it might help me keep it in mind cos while I feel like I’m doing a slightly better job at it nowadays, I still have a tendency to let the negative seep in when I’ve been having a hard time >.< I sometimes try to imagine negative comments like little black bouncy balls, and when I read something that makes me feel crappy, try to envision just booting it with all my strength so it just flies off into the distance in the hope that I might not keep dwelling on it xD

(+1)

This is a sweet message.  Mind dropping your social links (YT specifically) so we can go throw some hearts and love your way?  Tyvm.

(+1)

AWWW! Thank you! I'd really appreciate that♫ My youtube channel is at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIt13lxuzhmVR_fmimpy2iA

I have a twitter and tumblr but I'm not on there very much, and also a tiktok where I put up clips of my youtube videos.

(+1)

cool, (btw i'm planning on making a very long sort of essay about this game and your others just cuz i want to. :) it will take me some times cuz i got a bunch of tests to do this week.)

(+1)

:o Well, I look forward to reading that then :3 But yeah, definitely take your time cos you don't wanna burnout writing stuff when you've got tests coming up!! x3

Good luck with the tests :3 I hope they don't cause too much stress and that they go well for you!