Conflictions

Filled with doubt of late.

This is a pivotal time not just for our project coming to fruition, but also the our industry falling to ash.

The stakes are beyond comprehension. Part of me wants to write a novel of a blog post discussing the nuances of the socio-political factors at play in our community: The self righteous plays and delusions plaguing us as we claw tooth and nail for the coveted positions of victim and saviorhood.

Are we above the petty quibbling? Do we relinquish our claims to hardship as they have fallen from favor and blunted over shallow posturing? Does equipping such a savage weapon taint our ambitions? Will we surrender our oaths to the same tribalisms and clout chases? Can we cast this relic to the fire once our mission is fulfilled?

When I find myself resisting engagement in this social cause, when I convince myself to lay low as is our nature, I find it's not because I want to do greater good by developing the game, I find it has more to do  with fear and finding comfort in void of nothing where we have stewed most our life. 

Why should we stand up against this legion? What do we owe anyone in this cruel world? But we share this experience, we are all in this together. To stand up to the petulance and nihilism in others, is to stand up for the good in ourselves and in a roundabout way, if we can build a better industry that brings the best out of one another, we can bring back the good in all. We can help to qualm the madness by fighting for ourselves if we are truly righteous.

But is this just more self aggrandized delusion?

We did not choose to develop SeaCrit to lay low and not rock the boat, we took this jump because we wanted to kick ass and make a great video game. We had no idea at the time the intense social clashes that would arise, the calls to action, the necessary sacrifices and the slings and arrows that would follow. Never imagined such a fight ahead, such rambles to tell. I did not know that we just just be fighting the war of game development, but also this culture war.

But here we are. Life is what happens when you are busy making plans.

I want to be better than those recent squabbles and acts of pettiness, I want to focus on making a great game. But we have also been kicked into dirt, we have been dehumanized, we've been laughed at by those in their towers taking immense joy in the cancelings and the otherings of their "enemies". We have been put in an impossible situation where we cannot simply work on our project, we must fight against these spinning wheels that seek to grind us to pulp.

We're bitter and justifiably so. And knowing this how can we be sure we're being fair in our own resentments to want to take back what is owed to us? Is this  a petulant tantrum? How we distorted reality around us so as to make us the victim in this tired routine?

We're not supposed to be earnest, to show our demons within us. We're supposed to show resolution and virtues pure. You gotta play that age old game of smoke and mirror. Gotta pander to that petulant lowest common denominator. No nuance allowed! No higher level thought! No maturity! Pander to the ring bearers... 

But this is the truth, as best as I can tell it. If there's anything this world needs more of it is the truth.

I've never been a spiteful, jealous, or vengeful person, and this often puts you at the back of the line. We tell others to be meek, we decry strong qualities in our enemies and attack them. Is this done to make the world a better place? Or is it done to advance ourselves, to diminish others and cement our privileges?

We view the world through absurd simplifications so we might have the faintest ability to piece everything together and so that we might have a dialogue of this complex machination of humanity. We paint comic book, one dimensional caricatures of our enemies because we have neither the sincerity, nor the wisdom, or raw brainpower to properly tabulate the nebulous factors that surround us. 

And even if we could have a more fair, and truthful conversation, why would anyone want to? The mobs back and support only those who champion their bloodthirsts completely. Those who seek nuance and understanding are crushed by engagement crazed algorithms.

We are broken.

We have lived through an era where only the mob has had any influence over our lives for far too long. We have forgotten the good that can come from individuality. We have forgotten the prosperity that stems from year over year of sacrifice and delayed gratification. We have become slaves to the lowest common denominator. We no longer strive to be in the highest echelons of capability, and now seek to celebrate room temperature dick drivels.

We've conditioned ourselves to the soft parade, we've become comfortable in our sedation. We snap like a wild animal against those trying to save us from ourselves.

I think it's ok if we go down these rabbit holes of introspection, if we rapid fire words of protests into this void of opposition.

What have we to lose? We've already had everything taken from us. We are free.

We are free to develop SeaCrit as we wish. We are free to call out the madness and fight back from this little corner of the internet. We are free to indulge what we believe to be true and important as the world turns mad.

We don't have to choose. We don't have to choose between making a great game and speaking our mind and fighting against the madness on multiple fronts.

That's what living is!

I wouldn't want this any other way. We are not some tool in a corner creating a game like some automaton. We're a human being damn it, no matter what the social vampires sucking the good out of this medium may say. We've got our own lived experiences, we know what we know, and we've seen what we've seen. You might be able to gaslight some other m*ther fuckers, but your shit doesn't fly so far in these parts.

Yesterday we were tired and weary and we started to question our mission, started to wonder if we'd been doing everything wrong, if we were simply crazy.

This industry has fallen to madness, it has never been so clear that we have been right all along, and the liars, the backscratchers, the gaslighters and the back scratchers have been living high on the hog for a long, long time as they turned blind eyes to those who were kicked into the dirt.

Hey shit heads. You can still make games from the deep, dark, blood mud that fells to the dark recess of cavernous black.

Work will continue to commence in SeaCrit, and the angry rambles will flow.

Can you tell I got a good nap in? HOOO AH! Feel like my old self! Let's try to whoop some ass through the burnout today.

Quick little edit: I find myself wanting to finish the entire damned game in a day because we're so desperate to get this demo out finally. That's silly. Let's get back into a rythm of doable chunks of features per day. So here is the plan for today and tomorrow!

Day 1: Get spawns in of enemies and get the initial versions of weapons of all types dropping. Get some rare versions of these weapons in the game and dropping

Day 2: Set up interesting world areas that are both interesting to explore and exciting to fight in. This will include destructable block arrangments, floating world elements and varients of sea floors.

Day 3: Bonuses, items and general polish to the above systems.

Let's leave it there! One day at a time! We're going strong, no need to push ourselves to burn out. 

Perfection is the enemy of progress.