Read me.

(I talk about really bad aphobia in this post. Please only read this if you’re comfortable with that. Take care of yourself.)

A few years ago, I went to a drag show. It was my first time being in an openly queer event where the majority of atendees, and performers, were also queer.

As I sat there in awe of watching of such a cool event, I felt a sense of belonging. These were performances we loved and these were people like me. It was my first time being at a show at all! But I felt good, being there.

In between awesome, jaw-dropping performances, there was a host lady who would come on stage and talk to the audience. The crowd would cheer, clap, and laugh along to what she said and did.

At some point, she began to talk about allyship and the various identities and sexualities in the queer community. She named every one out loud and paused for a few moments as the crowd cheered and clapped - it was a moment to show support to the many facets of our community. I followed along with the crowd, smiling and feeling like this is such an accepting place to be at.

Then she mentioned asexuality.

Dead silence.

Followed by weak booing from some folks sitting next to me.

The host smiled weakly. “Yay, asexuals, yay…”

Back then, I was very active on Tumblr. If you were there in those days, you may have seen for yourself the vitriol, hate, and outright bullying asexuals were subjected to. Made to be a joke.

It was bad, very bad. It was accepted. It was encouraged. Posts that would have thousands of likes and reblogs. And when I say it was accepted, I mean it. In fact, I’d argue that it was EXPECTED. Queer mutuals and bloggers I had followed for YEARS reblogged mocking post after mocking post, laughing and pointing.

Nowadays, thankfully, this seems to no longer be the accepted behavior there, as I no longer see such hatred displayed so openly and proudly.

Some remember it as ‘just a joke’. Some apologized. Some, like the crowd on that show that was meant to be a safe place for queer folk to come together and have a good time, keep their beliefs quiet.

For most of my life I’ve identified as a cis bisexual woman.

I don’t know if that’s accurate anymore.

But I have no doubt in my mind that spending my formative years on that website surrounded by misinformation and hate, and that unforgettable moment at my first and only drag show, influenced my shame spiral and denial of the possibility that perhaps, maybe, I’m not as ‘bisexual’ as I’ve spent the last 10 years thinking I am.

So, this game?

This game goes out to us who are scared.

Who feel ashamed, confused. Who maybe realized they spent the majority of their life thinking they were one thing, and now have to process the realization that they might’ve been wrong.

I sincerely hope ‘Someone to Hold Me’ helps you feel a bit less alone today.

Thank you for reading.

• Meiri