Posted January 01, 2023 by EsoDev
So, time for an update?
Eh...
Let me just indulge myself for a bit. I don't think I've ever had holidays quite as miserable as these last two weeks. Never in my life did I feel just so hopeless and inconsolably sad. But really, does it even matter? I realise fully that no one cares and that even this text will get, at best, token attention, if any. No one will read this, stop to think about it and respond. And I've long since stopped expecting any such thing to happen.
Existence is screaming into a void, and the void itself is dark and silent. I don't want to be here. I don't want to exist. Life has become a chain of suffering, a process of continuing one from one soul-crushing, painful experience to another. I have no idea what the point of any of it is, and I've not had the slightest idea what it might be for a long time now. It just happens by inertia. I wake up and play out the farce that is each day until I'm too tired to continue and go to sleep again. Rinse and repeat; take with two fistfuls of pills each day, and remember to dress your wounds that never entirely heal.
Ultimately it doesn't matter. I don't matter. What I want doesn't matter. What hurts me doesn't matter. What I think doesn't matter. What I say doesn't matter. What I do doesn't matter. Nothing I've ever accomplished matters to anyone. Nothing I could ever accomplish matters to anyone. And I have no right to ask anyone for it to be different. So I can only linger here, at the edge of this void. I have nowhere else to go; there's no prospect for anything to improve.
At the very least, that's how I feel after the events of the last few months.
Some of you reading this might realise that I have issues with chronic pain. Some of you might even remember that I had a situation with overdosing on painkillers last year, leading to being put on a much stricter dosing program. That coloured the whole end of the year for me. Where I usually manage to find some joy in the holidays, this year, I couldn't. Over the last two weeks, I've barely eaten, spent most of my time either trying to force myself to work or just looking off into the distance, and struggled through every moment when I was awake. And I've not slept much. It has been hard to sleep for more than two or three hours before waking up...
I don't know if things will get better or if they can. Sometimes it just feels like this is it — the rest of my life, everything that remains for me to experience. Sometimes I wish to disappear, or at the very least that I could stop wanting to create. But it's not something that can happen. Ego death would be far, far too kind for me, considering how things are going. Maybe I can at least hope for a better pain management program that lets me live more comfortably.
Ultimately, everything written here is just an excuse for my incompetence. In the end, I will never be good enough.
But, for what it's worth, what did I do over the last two weeks? Does it matter? Next week I'll put out a regular update. I won't feel better. I'll just feel well enough to pretend and put up the usual, more informative post.