Posted May 27, 2022 by NamNorm
Perhaps those of you who read all our posts noticed some changes.
We, or even me, the writer and the sprite artist of this game, want to clarify this point.
And to do that, we have to go back to the origins (not to the invention of tiramisu, but close). Namely, to the idea of creating a game. At first, the game was planned as a kind of adventure for six months, which will not greatly affect my work and life. Just a parody of the otomes that I've read.
I was young, naive and inexperienced.
That's why I didn't build boundaries with both Degraman and the audience.
Due to the peculiarities of my character, I listened to everything that was written in all the social networks, listened to all the criticism.
The demanding part of the audience and my requests for the game grew every month. I fell into a circle of constant dissatisfaction with myself and Degraman. I wanted to make it better and better.
AND I WORKED, WORKED, WORKED. Completely forgetting about myself, my health and the world around me.
Degraman began to capture my heart, chopping off all other aspects of life with a greedy mouth.
We have never written about something really personal in social networks. It seemed inappropriate to our programmer, but I was just afraid to expose myself. I had heard a lot about the toxicity of the audience and therefore did not want to give a reason for trolling / bullying.
For this reason, we had our social networks as politely as possible all this time. And this led to the fact that I periodically left them when I could not remain friendly.
And that's why you didn't know that for the last six months before the release, I worked hating Degraman. Because I was burned out. I was tired of the negativity of dissatisfied people in social networks. Insanely tired of living this game alone. I was tired of working in the feeling that I'm deceiving people by constantly postponing the release.
Degraman became a pie that filled my whole mouth, not even letting me breathe.
And the apogee was the release in steam.
A release that, because of the fault of Steam, DID NOT WANT TO HAPPEN.
All the time that this was happening, I was constantly updating the release page, each time wishing that this four-times-cursed button to appear.
And already at some point I did not believe that it would appear.
Again feeling like I'm letting down everyone who was waiting for the release.
My nervous state was so high that I just couldn't sleep during these days. And I've been updating and updating this damn release page.
But the release did not bring relief either.
On the contrary, I felt even worse. After all, I finished this race, but dissatisfaction with myself only intensified. The strongest internal dissatisfaction clung to all the negative statements and flared up more and more.
After all, I was under the delusion that if I work hard, it will be appreciated. Therefore, I saw the problem precisely in the lack of effort.
I constantly asked myself - did I really not work enough, and therefore I continue to receive negative?
What I've already done wasn't enough? Were my sacrifices not enough?
Or was the problem with the Degraman itself?
Or is it me at all?
In such a heap of reflections, I got to the point that I wasted 3.5 years of my life, doing some bullshit. Which, as a result, brought neither satisfaction nor significant money.
All these years I could build a career and certainly not spoil my health.
And with this thought in mind, I abandoned the social networks again (and this time for a long time). Because I just couldn't be friendly and accepting.
I did not immediately understand what was the reason for my so strong nervous tension and inability to continue working.
And then I realized.
My so-hidden inconvenient personality traits were revealed wide open in a too personal Degraman.
Hypersensitive perception of reality, emotionality, excessive vulnerability.
My Achilles' heels, which I tried to hide from the audience for three years.
I have invested not only these traits of mine, but also everything else that makes up my personality.
I just opened myself up like a jar, gutting in the name of Degraman. Carrying everything that was written in it through myself and leaving myself in every aspect of the game.
And some part of the audience was not ready for such frankness - it just wanted another otome, the meaning of which should have been to spend a couple of evenings romancing of cute guys, and then forget it.
Instead of just fulfilling the minimal audience requests for the otome genre and avoiding all the slippery, trigger topics, I managed to neglect on these requests and run through most of the dangerous topics.
And I got a relevant reaction.
Someone, either not having received the mandatory genre minimum, or those who were triggered by dangerous topics, willingly devalued all my work and what I put into it.
And I just couldn't help but react to it, no matter what I did to myself.
Trying to accept such criticism and against the background of a lot of additional stress besides the game, I reached a nervous breakdown.
Now I realize that I simply could not accept this criticism - because it would mean that I was crossing out not only my hard work, but also my thoughts, my feelings, my worldview and attitude that I had invested in Degraman.
It is clear that with such attitude, it was impossible to continue making Degraman.
But the very idea that I should make an impersonal product was unbearable.
After all, I really loved Degraman, and I also didn't see the point of making standard games.
It was easier for me to decide that I was done with game development and game creation than accepting the need to adjust to the average player's requests.
And when I came to this soothing thought (namely, just forget Degraman and everything that happens around) - among the loud cries of discontent, I began to distinguish quiet voices.
The voices of the players who accepted my identity after seeing it between the lines of the game.
Those who were also afraid to show their painful susceptibility, but still, wrote to me. Because they wanted to support me by responding to a subconscious signal which was in Degraman.
It was these players who became the starting point in my work on myself. In the work on acceptance of myself and Degraman.
The response of the quiet players was so personal, so important - that it justified both my hard work and all the experiences I went through.
And this realization helped me to stop concentrating only on a handful of the loudest dissatisfied players and see the rest, loyal players. And the most important - their creativity.
It all helped me get rid of the stupid belief that a good job can't cause a negative reaction.
I finally realized that I was making Degraman not for making money, but for the sake of creative realization. And now I understand that I don't want to mix two sometimes completely incompatible goals.
I accepted Degraman. I love it and I am proud of my work.
And I will continue to work on it. I still have a lot of ideas and thoughts that I want to implement.
Degraman doesn't have to be liked by everyone.
And this realization untied my hands. And this applies not only to the game itself.
***
As we found out, I am an emotional and vulnerable person (and if I were different there would be no Degraman, lol).
That's why I can't help but react to the negative. (and how did you imagine it? That emotionality can be turned off? No, I don't have such a button, I'm not some kind of robot.)
These are the features of my personality that I held back too much until I had a nervous breakdown.
Of course, it would be possible to simply let someone to manage social networks.
But I don't want to do that - there are a lot of people who inspire me, support me and with whom I would like to communicate.
I'm pleased to work for them.
It would be extremely unfair to throw my favorites because of a small excessively toxic mass.
Therefore, I will lead social networks myself. The way I feel comfortable. Creating a warm and pleasant space primarily for myself and those who really love Degraman.
I'm not kicking anyone out and I'm not shutting anyone's mouth.
You can write whatever you want (within the law, of course).
But now I am free in my words and actions.
I am no longer afraid to expose myself by showing some of my reprehensible traits. I have already received a lot for Degraman.
Therefore, I will only ask you to be polite, pleasant, and then everyone will be nice and well :3
P.S. In no case do we consider anyone to blame for the current situation. Neither the audience deceived in expectations, nor us, who were not experienced enough to position ourselves correctly. It is what it is, we survived it and became smarter. Therefore, we do not hold a grudge against anyone)
P.P.S. Actually, I wanted to write a lot more. But the post would have been too long. And yet I will list what I did not mention in this article. Maybe some of these topics will interest you. I warn you right away, the topics are quite ambiguous and inflammatory.