I liked your story a lot, and it is very difficult to write a first-person story, especially under 1000 words. I also like what the story adds to the Grimdark universe.
Play book
Echoes of Liberation: Bjorn's story's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Concepts & Originality | #26 | 3.815 | 3.815 |
| Flow & Clarity | #32 | 3.444 | 3.444 |
| Overall | #33 | 3.457 | 3.457 |
| Adherence to Theme | #44 | 3.111 | 3.111 |
Ranked from 27 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
Comments
You clearly know how to write, but I'm not sure I loved the format of essentially having our narrator/protagonist just read us his (and his robot pals') personal history. Maybe if there was more of a twist at the end it would have paid off, but the lack of any action in the present made it lack some impact for me.
I admit this is difficult with the word constraints we have, but more showing and less telling is always the way to go if you can manage it.
Still a solid read though. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm being too negative because I still enjoyed it!
Submitted
Natural SelectionNot negative at all, I understand exactly what you're saying, the word constraint really limited on what I could show vs tell and that's often just because writing a description of the picture and emotions it caused is way more words than saying "The picture made me feel sad" type of deal.
I think, there was a way I could have blended the two better but then it came down to a timing constraint, which I'm hoping to be able to work on next time.
I'm really glad you enjoyed my story!
You clearly know how to write, but I'm not sure I loved the format of essentially having our narrator/protagonist just read us his (and his robot pals') personal history. Maybe if there was more of a twist at the end it would have paid off, but the lack of any action in the present made it lack some impact for me.
I admit this is difficult with the word constraints we have, but more showing and less telling is always the way to go if you can manage it.
Still a solid read though. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm being too negative because I still enjoyed it!
Submitted
Natural SelectionReally glad to see this formatted more clearly. It reads much more coherently. Nice work.
Submitted
Fathers & Sons
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