Thank you for creating, and sharing that interactive story.
There are so many issues wrapped up together there. Finances, gender issues, sex work, and legality wrapped around it all.
We all (most of us) have issues with finances, and I experienced a bit of a breakdown about a decade ago. Interestingly, I still struggle in almost the opposite way to your expression here. I can accept gifts, but really struggle to accept money. Cash or bank transfers, I feel like I'm selling out, and being bought. Like it needs repaying, and with interest that I can't afford. But I need to feel useful to people. I like to help those around me, and I guess it's not unnatural that they would want to, at least offer something tangible in return. Friends and family used to wave notes at me for helping them, and I'd go into a full on panic attack. I usually ran away without explanation. A thing, I can ignore the monetary cost of. I appreciate it more when I can see that it has me, my interests, or needs in mind, rather than what it would cost in a store. If it's hand-made, it's even more valuable to *me.* I learned to tell people, "I *really* don't like money. I don't like having it, being offered it, being asked for it. I just *hate* it. I know you mean it as thanks, but it feels like a threat." I still can't negotiate a raise with my boss. Can't look at my pay-checks, and my family have to manage the bank. But at least I am working again, and I feel the reward of being a "useful member of society" which is all I ever wanted in return.
All that said, your depictions of how *you* see a gift, compared to how the person offering it does completely connected with my experience.
It's interesting to see how similar, and different we are in that regard.
I went through all the inbox. I can absolutely imagine how I would respond to most of those, and some of them don't even warrant any response at all. However, I'm quite "mature" now. I'm not sure how I would have dealt with them at 19.
I can completely relate to the smell issue too. You start wondering if the smell is just in your head now, because it can't possibly survive all of that. Can it? But you can still smell it, just the same. I've had it with good smells, as well as bad ones though. So there is that.
Jumbled up memories too. I've certainly got a bunch of those, from times when I've been "unwell". Traumatised, I guess, though I don't have an easy trigger to pin on my "traumas", if that's what you'd call them. I just say "unwell". I remember things, but most of them are distorted, disjointed, I don't know what order they go in, how they connect, and I'm sure there are gaps in there I just can't remember at all. Like, how did I get from here to there? I don't remember the journey. What was I doing, or thinking? I have no idea.
The way you present all of that is amazing. You've done a brilliant job. It's so relatable, even though it's come from a different place. Your life, and your trauma are different to mine, but your reactions are very similar. If you need it, I'd say that makes it pretty "normal". I think you must be a very beautiful person, inside, to have been able to express all that in a video game.
In a plutonic way, and through the other side of a video screen, I offer you a hug of love, with no expectation of anything in return. (not sure how you'd send a return anyway) It's not even a physical hug, just the thought of one, so you don't have to touch me to get it. ;) I already played your game. You've earned it. I hope you can accept that as I intended it.
I wish you peace, happiness, and that your wounds only ever heal from here on.