I just finished reading this, and I think there’s a really touching story here. With a little bit more work, I think this could be something really special. Here are some of my takeaways that I hope you use to make even better stuff in the future!
The big thing that stuck out to me was the grammar and prose. Many words and phrases were either repeated to the point that it became a bit monotonous, used incorrectly, or both. There were some important sequences that had these issues present in the prose that really pulled me out of the story. It never hurts to have someone proofread!
I will say that I love the premise, and think there’s a lot you can do to explore these characters, but I think Erika and Hoshi’s relationship moves a bit fast to the point that it feels unnatural. I think a great way to remedy this would be to have the story take place over the course of a few months instead of a few days.
If you were to ever revisit or re-write this story, I have a suggestion as to how you may make the initial setup a bit more natural.
Imagine the initial meet-cute is the same. Hoshi bumps into Erika, causing the two to have a negative first impression of each other. Instead of them just making up and getting along right away, a few days later Hoshi enters the flower shop because they applied to work there and Erika, needing the help, has no choice but to hire them! From there they can start to work on their relationship in a more natural way.
A few more pointers I’d like to give!:
- There we’re a few characters who could get cut, as they really didn’t contribute too much to the plot (I.E. Mimi and Dan)
- The part where Wish casts magic to help Erika find Hoshi felt like it came out of nowhere. If you wanted to go this route, I’d recommend establishing the idea that Wish is a wizard earlier on in the story, so that it doesn’t come as a shock when he starts using magic. Arguably, you could get rid of the magic all together. (Maybe Sasha is trying to take Hoshi back home, and Erika stops them at the train station? Just a thought.)
- There are some plot points that are brought up and never mentioned again. (I.E. Wish’s birthday card, Wish and Dan’s Ruined Bouquet, the dead flowers and broken window)
- Some of the conflict seems a bit forced. Especially in chapter 6 where I think Hoshi is in the right to get upset and need some time alone after running into their abuser.
- I’m not sure if this was intentional or not, but there were several instances where it seems that Hoshi somehow got into Erika’s place without being let in, which confused me at points.
All in all, I think there’s a cute story to be told here, and I hope that you take my suggestions to heart to create something even better in the future!!!