I know, you'll all tell me to "advertise on <insert site>" but I just now realize that you're right. I should be advertising right now
No, I will tell you to make more games. Don't worry about running an ad campaign right now, just make games. Do you like making games?
There are almost half a million games on Itch. Very few of us really get much attention. I think approaching this with a commercial mindset right out of the gate is the wrong idea.
I try to play and leave feedback on Itch games because I know it's hard to come by, but I spend most of my free time making my own games, so I don't get to do this as much as I'd like to. If you really want feedback, there are a few open threads here by YouTubers that would probably be open to playing it.
since apparently games on itch.io are legally required to be playable in the web browser before anyone even bothers with playing your game.
People are more likely to play a browser game right away because it's easier and faster to launch than a downloaded game. That's true for me and I'll bet it's true for you, too. That doesn't mean that no one will ever download anything or that it's a waste of time to make downloadable games. My most popular game by far, which I also don't bother advertising, is a download-only game in a niche genre. On the other hand, my first game has 26 downloads after almost three years. That's fine, though, because my fifth game is a whole lot better than my first, and my sixth will hopefully be even better. The more and better games I make, the less I care if anyone ever plays the old ones.
So how the hell am I gonna get people to play my game it's not playable online, isn't advertised, and looks like garbage? Am I just bad at developing games?
You've only published one so far, and it's only been up for a few weeks (you should change the status to "released", by the way). You can't expect it to immediately popular; it may never be popular. Like I said in your previous thread, it takes time and it probably takes more than one game, so make more. Game jams are great practice and also great for getting feedback, since jam participants usually like to play each others' games.
Look, I get it. I'm a programmer, not an artist or a musician and certainly not a salesperson, and as solo developers, we have to somehow do it all. My games are probably a hard sell to most people, because they look and sound pretty basic. Maybe even like garbage. But I do my best, and I'm getting better at it with practice. I make what I want to make because I want to make it, and then I polish it up as best I can, put it out there with pride, and start making another one. I literally don't know how to do this hobby any other way.