Holy cow! That was "messing around in GarageBand"?! DANG! Absolutely loved the story and soundtrack, both had me on the edge of my seat the whole time. I did notice a few issues just in spelling and using the incorrect word tense, but very easy to overlook. If you don't have someone already proofreading the game script, I'd be ecstatic to offer my help. I've only recently started with renpy, but I'm learning the interface quickly, and the engine is well designed to be receptive to fast changes.
Getting back to gushing, however...
ASHFJSKLAOMFLADGMA SO GOOD. The writing is intense and really draws the reader in, the music sets the scene perfectly, the interactions between characters are smooth and enjoyable, the dialouge choices are clear and provide interesting differences. Pardon the run-on sentences, but I just - gah! - this game is sooo good. I was cracking up a few times at the comedy gold in some of these scenes. Looking forward to more.
Nooo you're gonna make me cry ; ; Thank you so much for your kind comments, they really made my day. I'd love to know what parts you laughed at! I do have some people who help me test, but not anyone who really seriously goes through and proofreads. For chapter 3 and 4 though, I have someone else writing, so that should help narrow down the errors with us both checking it out. But thank you though, I'm not gonna turn down extra help if you're up for it!