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A jam submission

DoinglessnessView game page

paradoxal writing
Submitted by axoona (@axoonaa) — 2 days, 10 hours before the deadline
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Play paradoxal writing

Doinglessness's itch.io page

Results

CriteriaRankScore*Raw Score
Poetry#24.6004.600
Interactivity#53.0003.000
Polish#53.6003.600
Overall#63.4003.400
Overall#73.4403.440
Experimentation#82.6002.600

Ranked from 5 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.

Name you'd like to be published under, if accepted
axoona

Short bio, written in the third person
axoona is creating stuff. she loves jams 🍯 and surreal rabbit holes🐇🕳️

Artist Statement, about your piece
I've been hyped by the jam since the start but I've been occupied by other stuff in june and then completely tired in july, I've been constantly postponing work on this.
We had a discussion sunday with other creator's at PangPang club about the care / productivity relationship in creative work. And in the end I concluded that I shouldn't torment myself about submitting something if my body tells me otherwise.
The next day I wrote down all the thoughts I had in my head about it and the text of this work was born with a desire to implement it in Twine for the jam.

What do you need from us, when giving feedback on your piece?
the first question would be: is this a poem? ;)
I'll gladly take any feedback you'd like to give me.
But if you have to priortize, I'm most interested in feedback regarding my writing and the use of interactivity to convey the message

Questions, Comments, Concerns?
I've read half of your poetry zines, and the examples you've given. I really like the idea. and I wish I could be more present on the discord during the jam. I enjoyed reading the discussions and I'm sure I could learn even more if I was actively present and my work would surely benefit from this.
We are experimenting different formats in Pang (again in relation to care/productivity) and the hypothesis we're testing right now are shorter jams but where those that want to participate are present so we can have live discussions. and either we're working on something during the time or those that are occupied, tired just don't participate or don't commit to anything.
I don't know if this is adapted to this type of work, but as there is live feedback involved, it could mean lesser time window when participants are engaged in jam so more dynamics on the server and in the discussions. on the other hand long jams give the opportunity for everyone to submit...

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Comments

Host (1 edit) (+1)

Hi axoona!

I really appreciate how real and raw this piece is. I feel like you've just let us into your world, as it is, a true and direct account of the self-talk you were going through (that I'm sure we've all been through as well). For that reason, this piece was super relatable (I found myself thinking YUP a lot of the time).

So far as form goes, I loved how you played with lineation, and all the different permutations/extensions of a single line. It reflects the iterative nature of self-talk perfectly.  If we view this as a Twine game, it's not very experimental, but if we view this as a rehashing of a traditional poem, this poem is extremely experimental! 

The way you paced the end too really blew my mind. I feel like you took us on a journey of struggle, self doubt, and eventual reconciliation. The ending totally floored me. Left me with a sense of quietude (doinglessness!) that was really precious and peaceful. Definitely a poem. Thanks so much for sharing.

To respond to your comments, first off I'm stoked you have a community that really fuels you! Pang sounds awesome. Good point about shorter jams, and if/when we do this again maybe it would be best to have a few 3-day jams rather than a continuous multi-month one.  Thanks for the idea! Live jams are great, and I wish jams like those happened more, but I do really like the fact that people all over the world have access to it. Maybe if shuf grows as an organization we can organize things like this! That'd be rad.

Here's a lil vid I made of my playing through it! So you can get live feedback (sorry I read in my head some times and it's just like silent lol)

Developer(+1)

Thank you so much for your feedback and for the video review.
I'm really thrilled (I litterally had shivers while watching :) )
To see it unfold as I have designed it and that it resonates, it's so.. touching
that it stands by it's own and that I'm understood, that's really something.

I really hope that shuf grows, it'sgreat what you do, I'll be keeping an eye and try to participate when I can :)

I've joined PangPang Club ( https://pangpangclub.itch.io/) earlier this year and it's true that this community really fuels me. The club is about doing experimental interactive things, redefine what is called a game.  The discussions are in french, but some of the works are in english.
and when I say Live jam, we were actually remotely collaborating on discord ^^'  just that we were connected at the same time so we could talk, like really talk, not just exchange text messages on chat ;) 

PS : I  noticed some frenglish words in my text, these were not on purpose, I'll have to correct that ^^'  (ex.  instead of pression it should be pressure)

Developer

can I share your vidéo on Twitter ?

Host(+1)

Of course!

Submitted(+1)

I appreciated the self-compassion towards mental health and writing!

Developer

thank you ! :)

Submitted(+1)

I enjoyed the way almost each click qualified the tone of the initial verse your reader saw -- the I met with a few friends. It did us a lot of good. made me smile, and the doublethink regarding your house cleaning/sleeping was also really cute. There were times during this jam when I also felt like I wouldn't/couldn't end up submitting something, and the way this poem unfolds reminds me that -- yeah, it's the doing of something (even if it's not what you intended or have set as your goal) that matters. I'm glad you ended up submitting this!

Experimentation - I gave this a 2 because I selfishly (especially in light of the poem's topic) wanted more! Haha. I'm no stranger to poems where clicking on the words changes their meaning, but I love how that qualified your feelings and showed us your thought process here. I wonder if (in new versions of the piece, should you make any) you could take this even farther -- ex., randomizing what each click leads to, so that your audience gets a new spread of thoughts and emotions on each read, as well as a sense of how arbitrary our day-to-day feelings can be.

Interactivity - The poem unfolds through the reader's clicks, but it unfolds the same way each time. I think it would pack more of a punch if it were a little different with each read. For that reason, I gave this category a 3.

Polish - I feel like you've nailed the content but (reiterating the gist of what I've written above) that the form could get into its nooks and crannies a little more, so I also gave this a 3. (I think you might also have a typo in one line -- "I once angain.")

Poetry - Definitely a poem, so 5!

Developer(+1)

woah thank you for the thourough review :)

I think I'm going to leave this piece as it is, it's my journal of thoughts about this jam when I decided to abandon doing anything and poemified in an interactive way and I admit that I did't give it much more thought other than the fact that I once again had the energy and  the willing to create something/anything  ^^'
but your feedback defnitely gives me ideas on how to implement similar-but-diffrent poems in the future :)
especially given that confronted with the same situation our feelings change, and interactive poem can convey that.  also I think of how music and visuals could help express emotions better. it's true that with interactivity it's possible to go a long way further.