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A jam submission

The Problem with ElvesView project page

Submitted by Erfeo (@_Erfeo_) — 1 hour, 13 minutes before the deadline
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The Problem with Elves's itch.io page

Results

CriteriaRankScore*Raw Score
Flow & Clarity#103.8874.000
Overall#153.6973.804
Adherence to the Theme#193.5443.647
Concept & Originality#203.6593.765

Ranked from 17 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.

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Comments

Submitted(+1)

love the worldbuilding here, i think with another page you would have dove into the eove's relationship a bit more and given a bit more details on the "weapon" in action, loved this bit of story though, drfinitely goves a fun look into a wider world of OPR lore!

Submitted(+1)

A good concept for an unconventional enemy requiring unconventional weapons to defeat, and nicely well-written into the bargain. I always appreciate when writers can slip in worldbuilding in both subtle and convincing ways, and you manage both. The only thing I'd call out is the titular Problem With Elves doesn't seem to have much bearing on the story as a whole; the Archon's people just vanish halfway through and don't do anything at all of note. But overall nicely done with an effective cliffhanger ending.

Developer

Yeah, I admit the title was a bit of an afterthought.

Submitted(+1)

'the problem with elves... is there pride'

a enjoyable story though, with some excellent world building 

Submitted(+1)

I would have liked a sharper focus on Chianna and less on the Elvish argument- however, I can see the reasoning behind the decisions you made.

Submitted(+1)

I very much liked the story and the world-building (definitely ideas to develop further there), and foreshadowing (if you excuse the pun) of light as a weapon (reference Archimedes Mirror Mythbusters episodes),  though it seemed implied the plan was the High Elves (use of the phrase bound to), it seemed more that the executed  plan/details was actually Chianna's? If I did not read that wrong, some additional focus there might have strengthened the argument portion and linked the title a bit more if you had additional word count to play with. This would make for a good longer story beat I think, and would like to see more.

Submitted(+1)

I enjoyed reading this story!  Below are a few points that especially stood out, suggestions if you were to revise this story, and a couple nitpicks.

What I liked:

  • The plot was easy to follow and for the most part everything was well written.
  • The rivalry between the elven factions was a nice plot point to drive toward the more ‘unconventional weapon” theme. 
  • I loved the sense of lore building that was woven in, none of it felt particularly forced.  Mentions of “the council of twelve”, “The Red Archon”, and “Si’Kentan” made me want to learn more about the lore behind each of these.
  • Phrases like “Chiarina wiped the axle grease…” really helped to develop the characters - I can see that as being a day-to-day occurrence for her.
  • Elements of the story made clear this was set in OPR AOF.
  • The story leaves me wanting to know how it ends - to me, this indicates you wrote engaging story beats that kept my attention!
  • Your jam board had some pretty inspired art, but I may be biased.

Suggestions for a revision

  • With so much time devoted to the argument between the two elves, I feel that the theme of “Unconventional Weapons” did not have the time needed to develop.  As an example - developing an interesting backstory to the non-military uses for the spider legs (scaling buildings?) and Mirrors (Heating bathwater for the duke?) could have added to that sense that they were making a weapon from materials not often used in war.
  • It was a shame that we didn’t get to see the unconventional weapon in action.  A challenge of the format, though again I think space could have been saved by reducing the argument between the elven factions.

Nit Picks:

  • The tense of the story shifts from first (“Losing us precious time”)  to third.  Just threw me for a moment
  • I feel like the title refers to an original idea that shifted.  While I understand the problem is their argumentative, obstinate nature, I feel the overall theme was Chiarina’s decision to follow the High Elf’s plan.  Perhaps if there was some note of problematic high elf haughtiness at the end?
  • A bit of spacing between paragraphs would have helped with reading the story.

Again, I want to emphasize that I enjoyed reading this, suggestions and nitpicks aside.  Thank you for sharing this story with us!

Developer

Yep, some of those things I was thinking as well. I did have more text about the weapon being actually used, but it just wasn't very exciting or interesting so it went in the bin to stay within the word limit.

Glad you liked the art! ;)