This past year, I've not gotten as much finished as I'd like to or really ought to have. I had a lot of ambition coming into the year after having released my most ambitious project yet, Purgatory Dungeoneer, a game where there's 4 variations of 105 classes to choose and build a party from. Out of the 420 characters, there's about 300 unique backstories, and about 100 of them are based on things either from my life or adjacent to it. The backbone of the game is by and large characters who were adventurers that either got into the business or left it due to some stressful or traumatic problem or position.

Almost a year ago my grandma passed away. The last remaining of my 4 grandparents, who turns out knew she wasn't making it to the end of the year. She made plans and preparations, and while she was social at times she appreciated her time alone and lived it facing the ending, and the new beginning.

These things seem unrelated, but there's two things. One is that while my grandma and I didn't always see eye to eye, the times I was able to stay with her as a kid were the times I wasn't at my usual house. Their house smelled of grape cough syrup and having to be in bed by 8 was a hassle, but at least I was just lying awake because I wasn't tired, not because I was listening for some potential violence. The grief over losing her has hit me harder than expected because while we weren't especially close and we only really messaged each other during the holidays, she was a constant during the times in my life that were bad enough to not talk directly about.

The second is that we shared a readiness to die. The reason I gravitated toward writing a game about retired adventurers, why I enjoy RPGs and Musou games about war and the bonds shared during it though not necessarily figuring out what to do in the aftermath is because I've in my heart of hearts been waiting to die. Not pursuing it actively or anything, but... hoping it'd find me so I wouldn't have to keep worrying how to keep getting by, when getting by is all I've managed to do the past 11 years, and even then as a non-zero burden on my friends to keep getting by.

I'm tired and I've been tired for 30 years. I neither know what to do next or how to get there. But I know I need to live and take steps in that direction. I don't know what I'll make next; there's no active projects and nothing I've been starting on maintains my interest for more than a day or two. But I'll figure it out. Hell or high water I'll make something, so I hope people will continue to support me and whatever comes next.

Also, comments disabled because this is intended as an update, not a dialogue. I'll make some new things in due time, just might still be a bit of time coming.