I can’t remember the last time I made something entirely for myself; something I didn’t feel the need to share. I realise that I rush my work. A drawing that would be better served by my spending eight to ten hours on I push out in two - all because I want to get it posted, and get a dopamine hit from it getting a couple of likes, and maybe a few comments. As a result I have very little creative work that I’ve produced in the last year that I have any deep fondness for. It was all created to spec, or it was created because I needed to post something before people forgot who I was. 

I’ve spent so much of the last few years trying to ‘make it’ as a freelancer. I felt a desire to make only the  things that would prove my worth, and get me work, and get me likes and shares online. I tell you now that it is a miserable existence. There is so little joy to be found there. 

I was viewing so much of my creativity and productivity through the lens of keeping up with other creators and getting work that I stopped thinking creatively at all. I drew only things that were ‘on brand.’ I thought only in terms of attracting people to my work so that they’d think of me for their next project. It has led only to me working in ways that make me actively resent the process and the work. 

The worst part of all of this is that I didn’t practice nearly as much as I should do. Practicing drawing or painting is something that often results in work that is not meant to be admired or shared or even enjoyed - it’s meant to be an exercise in improving technique. I haven’t practiced in years because a small voice in my head is telling me it’s wasted time when I could be completing commissions or drawing something good enough to post. The only practice and experimentation I’ve allowed myself is during the process of making work; and that’s not healthy. Imagine if the only time a musician played their instrument was on-stage in front of an audience? It seems ludicrous when you think about it for even a moment but that’s what I’ve been doing for the past few years. Never touching the pen except to produce content for an audience. It’s a form of madness honestly.

 So - I’m drawing a line under it. It’s fairly easy to say that on January 1st but truly I feel a change is needed and it starts with making the decision to create formost for the sake of creating. I want to make things because I want  to make them, not  because I feel like I need to churn out content for clicks and likes. 

 I want the joy back.